April
5, 2012
The last update I was pretty sure that the cycle would fall towards the mid/end
of the month like it did in February. I had been given some tentative embryo
retrieval dates, and really thought that it would not work out this month. Like
I said before, I was not going to cancel my upcoming trips. I was told to call
the clinic at the start of my next cycle. I gave the timing directly over to
the Lord, which meant not calculating dates on my part. I told the Lord that if
it was supposed to work out this month, it would. I really had shifted my
emotions to waiting until the end of May to start again. Honestly, I was a
partly relieved. I felt like I could breathe again and save the emotional
roller coaster for another day. I shifted my focus on what I have today. I had
a couple people look at me like I was crazy for not cancelling my trips, but
for me, I knew I was doing what the Lord wanted me to do- trusting Him with
every detail. I mean He created time, I think He is capable of handling this.
March 12th came with the start of my new
cycle. The IVF coordinator told me that the first baseline appointment was on
April 2nd. I was totally shocked, and then totally freaked out. I began to
feel overwhelmed and ill-prepared. I had prepared myself to wait. It took me
about 3 days to get my emotions under control and shift my thoughts to starting
this arduous process again. Then, of course, I began to second guess if I was
really was supposed to start. The Lord made it pretty clear. Like I said
before, the Lord often talks to me through numbers. I know that the Lord wants
us to know His will so He talks to us in ways we can hear…if we are listening.
We had just sold some furniture 3 days before, on a total whim, for close to
the same amount that it would cost to replace the medications that I used last
month. I was overwhelmed and I knew that this was our next step, and that
the Lord was with us. I had so many thoughts going through my head. Up and down
emotions. I just cannot handle the heartache again. Will it be different?
Worse? I do not even imagine myself pregnant anymore because it seems too far
away, too far in the future, and too upsetting when it doesn't happen. It has
basically been 39 months since we first started trying. People are generally so
excited for you when you are doing IVF and it is so nice that at least someone
is excited. I do not know how it is for other people, but I am generally not
that excited about doing it. I am just neutral. I think it is probably directly
proportional to how long you have been trying. When you have not been trying
for that long you have such high hopes that this month will be different. After
a few years of disappointment, you are become very cautious with your
excitement because it can lead to unnecessary heartache. I want to be pregnant,
but I know that may not be God’s plan, I must stay grounded in that reality. I
can honestly tell you that I have never felt better when I stay grounded in
today.
Thank the Lord that we know this is what God
had planned for us; otherwise the amount of second guessing with every little
decision would be more than I could handle. Because even if the outcome is
poor, I know we are on this road for a reason. I have a peace that there is a
greater purpose than pregnancy alone. I have found out the hard way that I
might as well enjoy being the passenger because the Lord is driving anyway. No
sense in fighting it, it just makes the trip a lot longer and harder. I feel
like I am truly enjoying all the life around me today. Now, I am not saying
that I do not have very bad days, anxiety, fear, sadness, and worry. All of
these things come and go, but I do not live there; and I try to quickly shift
to the positive. I was already a crier, but now I can cry at literally
anything. It doesn’t matter what it is. And now, when I start crying, I cannot
stop. It is so strange. I try to avoid anything that I know will definitely
make me cry…movies, TV shows, etc. I cling to all things comedy these days. It
actually really helps. I just do not have the time to cry anymore, much less
the energy to recover from the cry hangover!
I do want to give a little props to my husband
who is always so excited and encouraging every step of the way. He helps me
every day with all the little things that seem to stress me the most-whether it
is feeding the cats, fixing the coffee, unloading the dishwasher, etc. He is
always so sympathetic to my emotions, moods, and simply not feeling good. I am
so grateful for this! Thank you Rocky!
We were definitely going to use a different
protocol because my RE thought that the 1st protocol was too suppressive for
me. The long Lupron protocol is the most commonly used in normal healthy women
because, from what I have read, it has the best outcomes. Me being a poor
responder, it appears to have suppressed my ovaries too much. The new protocol
I will be using for my second cycle is referred to as the antagonist protocol
using Ganirelix. So, now we will actually use my own stimulating hormones
(endogenous), plus the same synthetic hormones I used last time- Follistim.
Ganirelix is a GnRH antagonist and will block the pituitary from signaling the
ovaries to ovulate prematurely. Ovulating prematurely in IVF is very bad!
Usually always results in cycle cancellation.
When the time came to actually decide about
going forward with this cycle again, I started to feel overwhelmed. What was
the right decision? I had so many unknowns, too many to list. My nature is to
over analyze the life out of every little detail! Each time I started feeling
overwhelmed I would eventually stop and say, "take away the worry Lord, it
is in Your perfect hands". I would literally have to make myself think
about anything else, but this. I will just come up with something totally
random to take my mind of IVF. There was no amount of thinking that was going
to change the outcome. All of my “over analyzing” was really attempt to try to
predict/control the future, or see if somehow I could increase my odds of
pregnancy. Basically, it was the opposite of faith and trust. It is funny how
this is not even possible. I have to literally visualize myself handing “it”
over to Him. I think this helps me to actually walk away from whatever “it” is.
I already had my questions answered with regards to moving forward. I trusted
my doctor’s decisions. I knew I was where I was supposed to be, so if I trusted
God, I had to give over the rest. I am not saying in any way to not research,
or ask questions. Duh! But, I am acutely aware when I cross over into
control/anxiety/worry/fear zone. I think we all know if we want to be honest
with ourselves. I think we often try to put a different label on it so we feel
justified in continuing our existence in these zones. I am learning to spend
less and less time there. What a complete waste of life.
I have to be completely honest; I did have a
total emotional breakdown last night (April 4th). I was wigging out
about every little thing that I had to do. I was emotionally, mentally, and
physically exhausted. I was complaining/crying about the laundry, feeding the
cats, cleaning out the coffee pot, transferring the wet clothes to the dryer,
the cushions on the couch, etc. I mean I lost all control. I told my husband
that I wasn't going to make it. Slight exaggeration, but in that moment I had
no strength. It is amazing how a little/big breakdown can really make you
feel better. I woke up this morning feeling great! I will never understand it.
I am such a Type A perfectionist that it is very easy for all the little daily
tasks around me start to drive me absolutely crazy! I want them all
done immediately and perfectly. I can't relax until they are done! This is a
huge weakness of mine. Some days I just wish I could ignore some things and
realize it is not that important and it will be there tomorrow. This is
definitely a work in progress. Either way I am feeling much better today.
OK back to IVF. I started birth control pills
on March 14th, and ordered my meds on March 21st. It is always a bad
day when I order the meds. I don't know why. Maybe it is because it makes
it official. Prior to this I tell myself that I can always back out if I want
to. Buying the medications kind of seals the deal. Both times I have told the
pharmacy lady I will have to call her back; I call Rocky and cry about it for
about 5 minutes. Get all of my complaints about how I wish this was free, waa waa
waa, etc. They always seem a little perplexed when I tell them I will call them
back to order in about 30 minutes. LOL
On a positive note, the Lord worked out the
timing so perfectly. I will be completely finished with the entire cycle days
before my 1st trip. The doctor I work for will be out of town the week that my
2 procedures will likely fall on. Fortunately, I did not spend one minute
worrying about the timing, or being sad that I would have to skip a couple
months. The Lord has the timing of our lives worked out to the T. All we are
required to do is submit to His will. The hardest thing I have had to learn is
to discern when I am trying to take over the Lord's job. He does NOT need
my help. We have a hard enough time doing what He has given us to do. There are
two parts to this, learning to discern when I have tried to become God and
actually changing the behavior. The latter is much more difficult, but it is a
MUST if you want to live with freedom, joy, purpose, and victory.
