SHARPS CONTAINERS AND PREGNANCY TESTS!!!!!

Sharp containers and pregnancy tests..... that’s been my life for the past few weeks, BUT I will take all the SHARPS containers in the world just to have this assembly of pregnancy tests. I have not seen a more beautiful sight!!! WE. ARE. PREGNANT. 

I realize this photo could make me appear totally crazy, but until you have been where I have been, you don't get to judge. 

:-) I started testing three days after my transfer knowing that it was too early to tell, but I wanted to see it go from negative to positive, if that was in our future. When you have waited SO long, and worked so hard, you don't want to miss it. And YES....I save them. When I look down at these tests, I could never put into words the flood of thoughts and emotions that come over me. 

Watching a test darken every day is one of the best things on this earth! Some people cope by not testing at all. I CANNOT do that. I want to be prepared, or otherwise my heart continues to hope and dream with each passing day. Testing also makes me feel like I am doing something. My very first cycle I didn't test at all and waited the WHOLE two weeks for the nurse to call with my blood results.....It was negative and I swore I would never wait that out again without testing. It was horrific. 

The other thing I don't do is take those abrasive, rude, insensitive "NOT PREGNANT" in all CAPS digital pregnancy tests. When you have seen SO many negatives, you don't need that thing screaming it at you. So I wait.......UNTIL the other ones show positive......then I take the test. Only since I know the outcome. "PREGNANT". This is my third time in 9.5 years to see positive tests. The twins, Blighted Ovum, and now. 

It was actually 4 days after my transfer that I read the first positive. I will never forget this night. Rocky was gone. I took the test and it was negative, which I expected since it was SO early. Then a couple hours later(because you keep looking at them thinking they will randomly turn positive)......I squinted and saw the faintest of faintest lines EVER. I mean faint......I had to use my cell phone light to see it, but it was there. Or was it??? So faint!! So, I did what any normal, sane person would do....I tested every 12 hours until my first blood test! #duh #myIVFsistersknowthedrill 

Watching them darken is like reliving the best moment of your life over and over again and you NEED to see them darken. All the pain, the struggle, the hoping, the waiting, the money, the shots, the tests, more shots, more tests, surgeries, and more waiting fades into a nothing because you are pregnant. It was all worth it. 

I have now had two positive blood tests!!! I have wanted to post about it so many times, but needed to wait just in case it turned bad. It is gut wrenching and almost unbearable to have to talk about it not working after you shared that it did. That is why so many stay silent for weeks. We have a long way to go, but we are cherishing the good each day that God gives it to us. I want to cherish these lives as long as they are here with us!!!! 

It has definitely been a crazy few weeks of emotions. Wondering. Crying. Hoping. Praying. Crying. And more praying. Prayer works!!!!! I know SO many of you have been praying for these babies and I am forever grateful!! I could actually go and on and on, but I will spare you all the details( I could write a book). Needless to say, August 2018 has turned out to be my second FAVE month EVAH!! January 2014(month I found out I was having Hew and Harry) still holds first place!!!!

My prayer has been for the babies, but ONLY if it is God's will. There is only one place worst than not being pregnant and that is out of the will of God. Nothing good happens there. Been there, done that. He is the only one that knows our future and what is best for us!!! 

We got TWO!!!!! IVF #7 in the books!!

EXCITING NEWS and a few days overdue! We got not one, but TWO embryos this cycle!!!! This is SO huge for us! I had truly prayed for just one embryo and anything else was a bonus. He answered above and beyond. We now have three frozen embryos and plan on doing one more banking cycle in a few months in hopes to have 4 total. Then, start transferring in the spring with prayers for more twins! Thank you cannot express what each of your comments and prayers have meant to us. I have read each one and shed tears many, many times. I am praying for so many of you who commented about your current journey with IVF and rejoiced with those of you who got your miracle babies after so much struggle. God is good…..ALL the time….in the good and the bad. He is there regardless of the outcome.

I did pretty well during the 6 days of waiting......three year old twins really help that along. But I would be lying if I didn't tell you that I had a few hours of sheer anxiety and fear come over me on Tuesday morning(the day we found out). I started thinking "what would I do if none of them made it?" I kept checking my portal for the details like a crazy person. All logic went OUT the window. I have basically convinced myself that I was on the call list.....FYI....the call list is bad....that is what they do if the info is bad....like your pregnancy test is negative(been there), or you have no embryos that have made it. I felt completely paralyzed and numb, like tingling all over for three hours. I felt sick and sad, alternating with moments of logic because of course this is sheer speculation, but also a very real possibility. I broke down. Don't forget the crazy hormones, they sure don't help a girl out. Then, I checked again, and there it was, two babies. One 3BB and one 2BB. My two embryos and in that moment, I looked at my sister and said....there are two. I sent a screen shot to Rocky and called balling. Like the real ugly one. It is a roller coaster, but this ride gave me my Hew and Harry, and I would do again 10 x over just to be their mommy!!!

This number 2 means so much to me because when we started this year we went into it planning on 4 different IVF cycles. We had the schedule(infertility is A LOT of precise scheduling) and planned on a cycle in January, April, July, and November. In April, my fave time of the month didn't come and I had to skip that one. I was devastated because I had my heart set on the 4 embryos, but those with infertility know all to well that your body just doesn't always cooperate(which feels like that part is basically all the time with a few moments of cooperation). I cried, but through this journey I have learned I am not in control, and never will be even if I pretend to be. So, I quickly gave it to God. It wasn't meant to be. I don't know the reason, but I trusted that God did. Sometimes we get ahead of God and that is where the biggest disappointments come because our expectations were misplaced. Fretting also wasn't going to get me anywhere(#beentheredonethat) and fretting actually means that I didn't actually trust that God had a better plan. So, when I saw TWO embryos(the cycle in January we got one), I knew God was saying to me....I got this.....once again. So, to most of you it is just a number, but to me it is one more reminder of many that a He's in control and ONLY He knows the future. He knew that I would get 3 embryos out of two cycles, instead of the 3 embryos out of 3 cycles. I'll take that!!! I don't know what you are going through, but God can handle it, IF you let Him. It won't be easy to give up control if you are holding on, but it will be worth it!! That is when real peace sets in. <3

These are not our embryos, but a photo of what embryos look like x two! We will get the image of our babies on the day of transfer!! Isn't life so cool!? How can we say there is no creator?! So fascinating!! #intelligentdesign

WAITING GAME.......IVF #7

SO….I just couldn’t help myself and had to use an egg/sperm image! I could hardly choose just one!!!(tried to pick one that wouldn't flip people out on their news feed!LOL!!!!) Have you ever seen sperm under a microscope? Really the cutest thing you’ve ever seen. (maybe not the cutest, but it is up there). YOu'll find yourself talking to them, telling them where to go, and rooting them on!!! HAHAHA!!! (Maybe only medical people do this. what weirdos! ;-) )

We are four days into the “waiting game”. Anyone who has done IVF knows this little “game” all too well!!! I have actually gotten a little used to it. I still think about it everyday. I still pray everyday for those little babies, but I can’t control it. God does. He already knows the outcome and fretting only robs today of it’s joy and precious moments. I know you might think….”easy for you to say now that you have babies". BUT….I can honestly say, I didn’t learn that after having my babies. I learned it and CHOSE it before I had them. I was consumed and not living, trying to control something that I couldn’t. Let me tell you, If you aren’t content with exactly what God has give you at any given moment, you won’t be content with more. I still struggle with this in other areas. There will always be something else. I am genuinely content with the boys I have because I became grateful for what God had given me before I had them. NOT that it was easy, or without pain and lots of tears. Otherwise, it wasn’t living and one day I would regret that too. I would regret all that I had let pass by. I can tell you what fretting and worrying definitely DO NOT do….change the outcome. So thankful I learned that. It's freeing!!! It is true peace and comes from Christ! No matter what you are going through, you can find contentment with gratitude. It is AMAZINg how it changes your heart. (warning…..not an easy filter to be put through….BUT oh so worth it!!!!) I read a book called, “Choosing Gratitude”! WOW!!!! Realized how ungrateful I was in general!!

Out of 11 eggs. 10 were useable and out of the 10, 5 fertilized. I would take ALL five, but odds are that 1 good one comes from the 5. Just like when you try to get pregnant and it takes you a few months. Same thing, some may have fertilized, but never made it past day 1, 2 or 5 so you try again the next month none the wiser. This happens every month and to every women(well most)!

Anyone who goes through this knows that you could get that call on day 5(6 since retrieval) that no embryos made it, but why dwell on that! If we get ONE good embryo, we will be SO thankful. TWO and we will be ECSTATIC. THREE and I will be COMPLETELY shocked!!! Odds are 1-2 good ones.

A little perspective: In my first IVF cycle when I was 32 years old, we retrieved 13 eggs and 9 fertilized and we ended up with 5 GREAT embryos and TWO perfect boys!!! The other three didn't take. Egg quality diminishes as you age. Now, at 37/38, I have been averaging 1 really good embryo. That is how much fertility changes from 32 to 38!!!! Thank you modern medicine!!! And Dr. McKinney!!!!! You're the BEST!!!! This lady even shed tears with me after the retrieval!!!! A rare find in a doctor!!!

IVF #5: 13 eggs, 3 embryos, but only 1 really good, 1 average, and 1 not so good at all. We put him in anyway!
IVF #6: 7 eggs, 1 really good embryo frozen. YAY!!! (one better than none)
IVF #7: Current cycle: 11 eggs, 5 fertilized....waiting on embryo status.

If you know someone going through IVF for the first time, you can know that they have been through months and years of other fertility treatments, surgeries, IUI, tests, lab sticks, clomid, more lab sticks, shots, meds, and worst years of there infertility. We had multiple appointments, two surgeries, many tests, IUI's, and clomid to name a few!!! I think people here someone is starting IVF and we think that it is the beginning…..when someone tells me they are starting IVF……my heart breaks because I know the pain they have endured to get to that point. <3

The Final Rose!!!! This made me laugh!!!!

hjhjkhj

We've Got EGGS!!!!!

EGGS!!! We retrieved 11 eggs yesterday. Just shy of a dozen! YAY!!!!! Now, they need to find their “special” friend and become one which hopefully has already hapenned! This is the important part. As you age, your egg quality diminishes and being 38 in fertility in getting “old”. Just the facts. To put it into perspective……..when I have my first retrieval (2nd IVF cycle, 1st was cancelled due to min. follicles) we got 13 eggs and 5 AMAZING embryos and out of that the most perfect little boys you’ve ever seen!! Now, at 37/38 we have gotten around 1 embryo per cycle! That is why we are currently banking our embryos because every day gone by is another day your eggs have aged. We hope to get to four and then start trying to get pregnant. Our last retrieval in December we got 7 eggs and one embryo, so we were very happy!!!! Every cycle is different. So many variables! And now......the waiting game. 

Convo with the twins tonight:
Hewitt: Why are you going to the doctor like everyday? DO you have oowie?
Me: We are trying to have more brothers and sisters.
Hewitt: (eyes really big) REALLY?! I want sisters, brothers, and another Hewitt
Me: I would LOVE another Hew Bear.
Harry: (chimes in) I want bruddies, sisters, and TWO mommies.
Me: NO….I am your ONLY mommy. EVER.
Get it right bud!! LOL!!!

Here is my IVF history: Really for those who are going through it!! I LOVED reading the data when I started this journey!

1. 1st IVF 2011 - cancelled due to low follicles
2. 2nd IVF 2011 - 2 embryos transferred, failed: 13 eggs retrieved, 5 embryos, 3 embryos frozen including my Hew and Harry!!
3. 3rd IVF 2012 - 2 Frozen embryos- twins boys.
4. 4th IVF 2015 - “Last”. Our last remains embryo transferred. 2nd + pregnancy test EVER, ended blighted ovum miscarriage.
5. 5th IVF 2016 - 13 eggs, 3 embryos transferred. Only one was truly viable, we believe in life at conception so we took all three!! God is in control of the babies that live or die!
6. 6th IVF 2016 - 7 eggs, one embryo frozen. No transfer.
7. 7th IVF 2017- 11 eggs, WAITING to see how many babies!!!

I'm not going to lie, it feels a little vulnerable to be writing about this again( a little uncomfortable...or a lot). There is a part of you that just wants to keep it all to yourself. Maybe to avoid judgement or particular comments, BUT I know God has put it on my heart for a reason. So, I write for those who feel like they cannot share. For those who feel they don't have a voice about their pain. For those surrounded by those who sneeze and get pregnant. Most people I have met who struggle with infertility keep quiet and never really talk about their pain. The reasons for that are for another post. It is ok to share and in reality is is therapeutic to say it out loud and not keep it bottled inside! <3

<3

IVF #7 - In The Middle of This Again!!!!!!

In the middle of this again and our retrieval is set for tomorrow. Today, was my last day of being a human pin cushion....for now. Don't worry...it is for a really good cause. 🤗 I reluctantly share this ugly photo of my stomach, but it is just real life. Yes, it is only a few bruises and there are BY far worse medical treatments, but motherhood generally happens pain free for most. So, I don't share for anyone to ever feel sorry for me. I am on the journey that God gave me. I share this part because I want those out there who don't feel like they can share, or that anyone around them understands. You are not alone. ❤️

I lay here wondering what God’s plan is, but also knowing that His plan is perfect. I hesitate to even write about it because on one hand I have two perfect babies that God gave me and everything He has given me is ALL I need. I never want to come across as ungrateful. I never want those who are still struggling to even get pregnant to ever be hurt by my words. I remember wanting to be pregnant so bad and as I was talking to a mother holding her child, she would say, “I know what you are going through. We haven’t been able to get pregnant again.” Well meaning of course, but I promised myself i would never say that to anyone without children. That is one of the reasons I rarely write about this journey anymore. I don’t know if that is right or not, but I have been on that side and the pain is SO extreme that I could not bare to think that my words caused someone without children anymore pain, even if just a little bit. So if you are still struggling to even get pregnant once, or your time has passed, please know that I write this part in tears. I know your pain is the greatest and a void will likely always remain. I no longer live in that world. It isn’t the same to have children and want more, as it is to want even one. I have been there too, praying for just one positive test, even if I never bring home a baby. That is how desperate you get, you will start settling for anything related to motherhood to happen to you. Please know, that I am praying for you, even though I do not know you. There is not a day that goes by that I do not look at my Hew and Harry and realize what I have been given that so many are still wanting so badly. The surgeries, the shots, the hormones, the appointments, disappointments, cost, emotions, the planning, the pain, more shots, the isolation, loneliness and sheer devastation with every failed attempt.....only to come up empty handed. So many things that those around you cannot understand unless they have lived through it. Just like with any painful thing in life. Through this struggle I learned to never try to relate to someone, and what they are/or have gone through if I have not gone though it myself. It is ok to say, “I have no idea the pain you must be feeling.” It goes a long way. I am SO thankful that infertility taught me this as I meet others who are struggling with something else. We all walk through painful things, might as well learn everything you can to be better!!

On the other hand, I want more babies. I avoid even thinking about babies, pregnancy, newborn, etc……the pain of it never coming true again is too hard so avoidance is just easier. We have lived this journey now for 9 years. Crazy to think it has been that long, so long it has just become a part of our lives. I do not know if God’s plan is to give us more children biologically, but I do know that He has us right were we are suppose to be, and there is a reason that He can use for good even if the outcome is not want we want.

I do believe in the power of prayer. And we are praying for multiple, healthy babies! Odds are, we will be fortunate to get one at 38-I may feel young, but my eggs say otherwise 🙄. This will be our 2nd banking cycle, but 4th IVF cycle since the twins. We have one little friend frozen in time waiting for his/her moment to shine!!! To make a long story short, we are banking embryos at this time and will not be transferring fresh ones. Hew and Harry were frozen and they have been my only pregnancy. Except one miscarriage, but that was also from a frozen cycle! I won’t bore you with the medical details! But your prayers for little miracles will be welcome and cherished!!!! So thankful to live here, in this country, with access to modern medicine! I would never have Hew and Harry living in most countries around the globe! And specifically for Dr. Shauna McKinney for being the best!!! So thankful for your knowledge and wisdom and actually caring so much about your patients!! 🙏🏼

It's On.......AGAIN!!!!!!

We used our last embryo in December. We did get pregnant, but it ended in a miscarriage/blighted ovum. So that cycle was considered a frozen embryo transfer vs a fresh cycle which we are doing now. This is our 5th round of IVF, which includes the frozen and fresh. Our very first fresh cycle was in early 2012 which was cancelled because I had no follicles develop. So we did everything up until the retrieval. Our second attempt was a couple months later. This was our first retrieval. We got 13 eggs and 7 fertilized initially, but only 5 making it. We transferred 2 embryos in the early spring of 2012 which ended in a negative pregnancy test. Long story short, I needed another surgery that summer. We then moved on to a frozen embryo cycle in the fall of 2012 and transferred 2 or the 3 we had left. YAY!!! That cycle gave me Hew and Harry who were born in August of 2013. This past November/December we transferred our last embryo that ended in miscarriage.

SO.....that brings me to now. If you are someone who is struggling with infertility, I have written in depth information in earlier posts. The dates are wrong because I had to transfer from another blog, but the are posted in order. I wrote about everything I was going through from the emotional, mental, physical, medical, and spiritual. I tried to give as much medical information and data that I could because it really helped me when I was going through it for the first time!!!

This cycle has been rather quick. Shortly after my menstrual cycle began I started birth control pills. I was put on the Ganirelix protocol. My age played a factor because this protocol allows your own body to help accelerate things and of course as you know the older you get your body does a lot less of this. Everything went as planned. We had good follicles, etc.

So we had our retrieval last week and it all went well. We retrieved 13 eggs. Same number as last time. This made me feel very hopeful and almost assume that we would have several fertilize like last time. I definitely had a lost more abdominal pain that I remembered and it has lasted for days. But I guess this is to be expected when your ovaries are huge.

We retrieved 13 eggs last week during our retrieval. This is the same number as last time. Man oh man....I don't remember this kind of stomach pain or for this long, but it is funny how we forget things. Not going to lie....I have been under a little cloud and a definitely more emotional but go figure.....darn hormones!! We had 7 eggs fertilize on day 1 last fresh cycle, and this time we had 4. When I heard that number I was devastated.

Post-Op Visit - One week out from discharge.

Hewitt saw his thoracic surgeon today, Dr. Ranne, and he is doing well! He got his “stickers” off…AKA his bandages. Everything is healing appropriately. Harry came for moral support. He LOVES to go ANYWHERE, even the doctor!! Hewitt….not so much! His voice is still very weak and often sounds like he is hoarse and/or whispering a bit. He said that can take up to 3 months to go back to normal and it is likely form the intubation. And my guess maybe partly because he didn’t talk for over a week while in the hospital and really minimal talking the week before because he didn't feel well. He is about 75% back to normal. His energy is still lower and by the end of the day he semi-falls apart. It seems to cause him pain when I lay him flat on a hard surface to change his diaper. He has only been able to take partial baths because we weren't able to get the left side wet....SO......we had to wash his hair in the sink, which he hated, and then get in the bath to wash everything else. He doesn't understand...you MUST wash your hair! He mainly wants me because I think he is afraid that someone else will pick him up wrong and not know how not to hurt him. SO he still guards his "owie" when doing activity. Poor friend! He is getting stronger everyday and his sleeping routine has gone back to normal for the most part! THANK YOU LORD!!!!! We are still on oral antibiotics. He is such a trooper. When I told him we were going to the doctor today he started crying saying, "I want to stay right here, right here. No bye bye." Harry is simultaneously saying, "I go bye bye, I go doctor". I explained to Hewitt that there would be no owies, but the doctor had to take his "stickers" off so he could get better. So by the time we were on our way he was saying, "I get my stickers off, get better." 

-"CHEESE"

-Never at the same time!

-Harry prefers to be the patient.....so he thinks! 

I have talked to him in very plain terms because our children understand SO much more than we give them credit for and I think when we try to shield them, distract them, or sugar coat it too much it actually has the opposite effect and cause anxiety and mistrust. Of course, he still cried A LOT in the hospital, but he learned that I was telling him what was happening and why and I can tell it has really helped him. For example, his Augmentin taste terrible and he hates it. They were actually worried at the hospital that he may not take it because kids hate the taste. I said, "Oh he will take it". He fought me everyday in the beginning and I kindly explained that he had three choices, either he took it on his own, I held him down, or he had to go back and get shots everyday. You choice. He chose to take it every time as long as I had something nearby to wash it down with. Smart kid. BUT today....he took it without a word and actually said, "i get better". YAY!!! 

So grateful for life, modern medicine, antibiotics, anesthetics, Motrin, IV’s, our TOP notch hospitals…..So many things we take for granted on a daily basis. #blessedbythelittlethings 

-Might have panicked when I turned around and they were playing with doctor office toys, BUT you could smell the disinfectant and I drilled the lady about their cleanliness level....she said no one has played with them in a week!" 

😳😝👊🏼

-Then we stopped by my old office and they put Mickey stickers everywhere!