Don’t Just Survive, Thrive!

March 9^th, 2012

 I have had a couple really sad days this week, but thankfully they do not last as long as they used to. I am on the upswing! YEA! I can always feel it coming on. It started about Tuesday night and was going strong all day Wednesday. I just feel like I could cry all day, over anything, and everything. I do not know what triggers it, but I am sure it is a myriad of things. I guess just being a girl is one of them. LOL You are constantly bombarded with visions of children. With each passing month, more and more things remind me of children.

  

 When you first start trying it begins with the obvious…babies. Slowly, things are added to the list. Now, after 3 years even maps of the world remind me of children. I think to myself, “I cannot wait to teach my children geography”. I do not know if it is the object that reminds you of children, or if you begin to relate everything to being a mother. Either way, I only allow them to be fleeting thoughts. If I dwell for any length of time, I would sink into despair. I would be completely incapable of enjoying my nephew Rad, my sweet cousin’s babies, my best friend’s children, and anything else for that matter. I definitely would be residing in Bittertown, USA. Who wants to be around that girl? Even worse, YOU ARE miserable! God has turned things that should make me bitter, into the things that bring me the most joy in my life! Thank you, thank you, Lord!!!

 I have learned to quickly change my focus when something reminds me of how I do not have children, even if it is just a map. I have one happy thought, and I move on. We all know what road that one happy thought is about to go down. It will take on South avenue rapidly. If I did not do this, they will serve as distractions from what I am suppose to be doing today. I had to make a choice to do this several months ago. I feel like a lot of the coping mechanisms I have learned have been in this last year. Hmmm…maybe that was the purpose Lord. I use to dwell for hours, days, weeks on the future things to come. LOL Notice how I used to be sooooo sure they were coming just the way I had imagined, even though I had no way of knowing the future. Very prideful of me! I was just setting myself up for huge devastation. I now completely rely on the Lord’s strength to stay afloat. This has changed everything. I used to rely on my own strength, giving myself pep talks. I would tell myself, you are strong and independent. You can do this. Now, I say you CAN’T do this, but the Lord CAN.

 It is amazing because when I crash now, it is not the same. I have a cushy landing; I know the Lord is right there. I get up quicker and happier and move on. When people tell me I am strong, I say it is NOT me. It is the Lord. Actually, quite the opposite is true. I finally admitted I am too weak to traverse life’s trials on my own. I always know when I began to rely on self; I begin to worry, anxiety and fear set in. I become an irritable, prideful, and begin to complain. I will start wondering what is wrong with me???  Why am I in this funk??? In the past, it would go on for months until I would finally realize I was relying on self. I have learned to evaluate my heart much quicker now. I will step back and ask myself, “Are you relying on God, or self right now Natalie? Well, you are falling apart so it must be self”. The quicker you pick up on this, the faster you can get back on track. The longer it takes to acknowledge and readjust, the more pain and consequence you will endure when you finally decide to give it back to the Lord.

 I have seen grown Christian women allow themselves to stay on the “self-track” for so many years that without a sheer miracle it is nearly impossible to re-adjust. Don’t do this. It is deadly to you, and everyone you come in contact with! I know the Lord can work miracles, but the longer you are on the wrong path the harder to find your way back home. It requires so much humility and repentance, which goes against every fiber of our flesh. Quench the desire of the flesh quickly!!! I have learned this the hard way.

 Currently, Rocky and I are waiting to begin the next cycle with our IVF clinic. This starts in mid April. However, I have two trips already planned in April and May. If the timing does not work out correctly, we will wait until the May-June cycle. I can no longer put my life on hold for something that might not happen. I cannot put all of my hope in the “next” thing. I cannot miss out on the things God has given me today. I am not going to miss out on the memories of today. It is only 4 weeks. After 3 years, what is 4 weeks? I have spent so many weeks and months, being devastated over waiting 4 more weeks. Another lesson learned. Thank you Lord! Seeing my nephew on the beach for the first time will be something that I will cherish forever. God has given me such special people in my life TODAY; and I am not promised to become pregnant if I miss out on today. It would just be my flesh, trying to fill my desires, quicker. The day I hold my child for the first time has already been set in time; I cannot hurry it up, or change it. However, I can enjoy what I do have until it gets here! What freedom this brings. The Lord knew the trips were already planned before I even planned them. He is not surprised. Thank goodness!

 I do not want any of my writings to appear as though this is a cakewalk for me now. If you think this in anyway, then please start reading the very first blog post. It begins in November 2008. You will quickly see where I was. Hopefully, when I have completed writing the entire journey you will see the only reason I am better equipped to handle life’s trials today, is because I am now accessing the strength of the Lord. Trials are difficult, this never changes. I want this trial to be over, but I want His will in my life more. I want to learn all that I am suppose to learn before it is too late. It took me a loooong time to get here. I am so grateful for this journey because I know the Lord is preparing me to be a better mother. Which means my children will have a better mother, which means the Lord already loves my children more than I do, more than I will, and more than I can. With the Lord’s strength, you can thrive, not just survive!  

Why Me?

March 5th, 2012

 Do you ever ask the Lord, why me? In Sunday School class yesterday, yes I still call it this (I am sure there is a more modern name for it), my friend Jamie was giving an account of his recent mission trip to Cote-l’dvoire, Africa. He went to share Christ, while offering his anesthesia expertise during various surgeries. As he is explaining what little medical technology they have, I was mentally comparing it with what we do have. They ran out of IV fluids after 2 days, no imaging modalities, and no way of giving a blood transfusion if needed post-operatively. No way of monitoring your vital signs during surgery, or anytime for that matter. This is only to name a few. I cannot re-paint the picture properly, but I trust you can use your imagination. The statement, "we have run out of IV fluids" does not exist in this country. This is a stark contrast to the United States. We think of IV fluids as a basic necessity, much less anything more advanced than a simple IV. If you even step into the hospital, you are getting you some IV fluids. If you lose too much blood, you already have your specific blood type stocked and ready to go. We have every monitoring device know to man. These women are suffering immense pain for long periods of time, from diseases that are routinely fixed here in the States. The Lord really was showing me what all we have to be so grateful for. 

 I started thinking to myself, why me Lord?  Why did you so graciously choose to make me a citizen of the Untied States of America? I have taken this for granite; it was not random, but Divine purpose. I live in the best country in the world. Why me Lord?  Why have you chosen to give me wonderful physicians to help me? I have had top notch diagnosis and treatments. I have been given, by God, the best chances to overcome my infertility. These are not rights, they are privileges. I not only had a diagnosis of a septated uterus by high tech imaging modalities. I also had a "routine" surgery, obviously not available everywhere. Without this diagnosis and treatment, I would have zero chance, humanly speaking, of carrying a child. My uterus was completely divided with a very large, fibrous mass. On a side note, I was born with this. The Lord specifically made me that way in my mother's womb. That's special! As we say in my family, "dat pecial". 

 Why me, Lord? Why did you choose to give me wonderful parents who taught me Your Word? Why I am so fortunate to have a sister for a best friend? Why did you choose to bless me with cousins who are just like sisters? I am overwhelmed with gratitude when I think of these relationships.

 Why me Lord? Why did you give me a husband who thinks I hung the moon? He truly treasures my heart and looks at me as if I am the sweetest person alive. Now, if you know me, that is only from God. I think God gave him some blinders to wear at times. 

 Why me Lord? Why did you chosen to give me 32 years and counting with my dad, mom, and sister. I was watching a movie last night where a little girl died at 9 years old. I want to tell you the name, but I do not want to ruin anything about the movie. However, after the child's death, the father was seeking counsel from a pastor who told him to be grateful for the 9 years God did give you; as opposed to being upset about all the years you will not have with her. So often we look at the negative side only. Not that there isn’t a grieving process, but eventually we should return to gratitude for what we do have. Kathy Babcock from Indiana was not so lucky. She lost 5 family members in the recent tornados; two of them being small children. Can you imagine this devastation? Or, the women who threw her body over her two children, and later lost both of her legs from her injuries. Wow!

 I think we can all make this type of list. Whenever I am bombarded with life’s trials, or negative thoughts, I try to make a mental list of all that I do have today. Your list might look different than mine. However, there are always things we can be grateful for no matter what the situation. There is always someone with a worse situation. 

 So, I can sit here and ask all day why me? Why have you not given me any children Lord? But for me, in my situation, this would be dishonoring to the Lord. Now, I have felt tremendous heartbreak throughout this journey. However, there is a right way and a wrong way to walk through your trials. My desire to have my own children is God given, and it only grows each day. However, drawing near to God, makes your greatest desire be His will. This is the only way I can make it through.

 Look around you and ask the Lord, “why not me?”