IVF #7 - In The Middle of This Again!!!!!!

In the middle of this again and our retrieval is set for tomorrow. Today, was my last day of being a human pin cushion....for now. Don't worry...it is for a really good cause. 🤗 I reluctantly share this ugly photo of my stomach, but it is just real life. Yes, it is only a few bruises and there are BY far worse medical treatments, but motherhood generally happens pain free for most. So, I don't share for anyone to ever feel sorry for me. I am on the journey that God gave me. I share this part because I want those out there who don't feel like they can share, or that anyone around them understands. You are not alone. ❤️

I lay here wondering what God’s plan is, but also knowing that His plan is perfect. I hesitate to even write about it because on one hand I have two perfect babies that God gave me and everything He has given me is ALL I need. I never want to come across as ungrateful. I never want those who are still struggling to even get pregnant to ever be hurt by my words. I remember wanting to be pregnant so bad and as I was talking to a mother holding her child, she would say, “I know what you are going through. We haven’t been able to get pregnant again.” Well meaning of course, but I promised myself i would never say that to anyone without children. That is one of the reasons I rarely write about this journey anymore. I don’t know if that is right or not, but I have been on that side and the pain is SO extreme that I could not bare to think that my words caused someone without children anymore pain, even if just a little bit. So if you are still struggling to even get pregnant once, or your time has passed, please know that I write this part in tears. I know your pain is the greatest and a void will likely always remain. I no longer live in that world. It isn’t the same to have children and want more, as it is to want even one. I have been there too, praying for just one positive test, even if I never bring home a baby. That is how desperate you get, you will start settling for anything related to motherhood to happen to you. Please know, that I am praying for you, even though I do not know you. There is not a day that goes by that I do not look at my Hew and Harry and realize what I have been given that so many are still wanting so badly. The surgeries, the shots, the hormones, the appointments, disappointments, cost, emotions, the planning, the pain, more shots, the isolation, loneliness and sheer devastation with every failed attempt.....only to come up empty handed. So many things that those around you cannot understand unless they have lived through it. Just like with any painful thing in life. Through this struggle I learned to never try to relate to someone, and what they are/or have gone through if I have not gone though it myself. It is ok to say, “I have no idea the pain you must be feeling.” It goes a long way. I am SO thankful that infertility taught me this as I meet others who are struggling with something else. We all walk through painful things, might as well learn everything you can to be better!!

On the other hand, I want more babies. I avoid even thinking about babies, pregnancy, newborn, etc……the pain of it never coming true again is too hard so avoidance is just easier. We have lived this journey now for 9 years. Crazy to think it has been that long, so long it has just become a part of our lives. I do not know if God’s plan is to give us more children biologically, but I do know that He has us right were we are suppose to be, and there is a reason that He can use for good even if the outcome is not want we want.

I do believe in the power of prayer. And we are praying for multiple, healthy babies! Odds are, we will be fortunate to get one at 38-I may feel young, but my eggs say otherwise 🙄. This will be our 2nd banking cycle, but 4th IVF cycle since the twins. We have one little friend frozen in time waiting for his/her moment to shine!!! To make a long story short, we are banking embryos at this time and will not be transferring fresh ones. Hew and Harry were frozen and they have been my only pregnancy. Except one miscarriage, but that was also from a frozen cycle! I won’t bore you with the medical details! But your prayers for little miracles will be welcome and cherished!!!! So thankful to live here, in this country, with access to modern medicine! I would never have Hew and Harry living in most countries around the globe! And specifically for Dr. Shauna McKinney for being the best!!! So thankful for your knowledge and wisdom and actually caring so much about your patients!! 🙏🏼