IVF #2 - Day 4 Post Retrieval

April 22^nd, 2012

All 7 are still alive.

4 - Grade 3.0
2 – Grade 2.5
1 – Grade 2.0

 Happy they are all still alive, but for some reason I was a little sad when I heard my message this morning. We may lose the grade 2.0 embryo. I pray that we do not. I do not know the cell number today. My initial reaction to the grades being lowered was worry, and it is still good news. I can’t figure out why I was a down. Maybe it is just the emotion of it all. All morning in church I was battling fear, anxiety, worry, etc. I wanted to know the outcome, but then I didn’t. I had anxiety and peace all at the same time. I know that Satan wants to rob me of joy today. All of the unknowns tumbled in on me this morning, out of nowhere. The desire to have a baby is always there. Most days now I do well, but some days I just fall apart out of sheer weakness. Emotional and mental exhaustion. All of the medicines do not help. Thankfully I finished my 2^nd round of steroids today. The 1^st steroid is a very small dose and taken with the injections. This 2^nd one is a higher dose, and taken during, and after retrieval. It is higher than some of the doses we have a brain tumor patients on. So, I am feeling a bit jittery from them. Hallelujah, I threw the bottle away this morning. The anticipation of tomorrow is definitely building. My Bible study group has just started our new study this week, and it is called, Anxious for Nothing by John MacArthur. Perfect timing!!! 

 Surrendering my desire to His will is a continual, daily process with some days being harder than others. I whole heartedly believe that His timing is perfect, and I want it no other way. However, my desire to have a newborn baby is beyond comprehension. I am so tired, emotionally. It is such a roller coaster. I think that this relates to any trial, just a different desire.

 I know I am probably rambling, but I am just writing as the feelings come. I told my husband as we were leaving church today that I do not know where I would be without Radcliffe. If you do not know who he is, this is my 1^st nephew. I say 1^st, because my sister is pregnant with my second! He was born December 30^th, 2010. When I think of him, my heart explodes with joy. The Lord put him in our lives at the perfect time. Having Rad around has carried me through some of my darkest days. Just to look at his photos, make my day a million times better.  Whenever I am having a sad day, wanting a child so badly, I watch his videos. I will cry and laugh because he is such an angel. I scroll through my phone to look at his sweet, hysterical face. I will not tell you how many photos/videos I have taken of him over the past 16 months of life. I got to hold him for several hours prior to his surgery when he was just 6 days old. I got to wake up in the middle of the night to feed him, and I cherished every minute. I knew that his life could be the closest I may get to a newborn that shares my blood. So, I tried to soak up every second.

 When I am with Radcliffe, I forget my trial. It is like a vacation from the pain and sadness. How amazing that the Lord loves me so much that He gave me Rad, at just the perfect time. I try to see him once every month or two. I can never thank my sister enough for letting me be so involved in his life from day one. I am sure there were times that she wanted to feed, bath, and hold him, but she would let me. I could never repay her for what she has given to me. My eyes are welling up as I write this, because I know that my God cares for me so much that he gave me this gift through my sister. She will never truly know what this has meant to me. The feeling is so deep in my heart; I could never convey it properly. I am so grateful that I was able to embrace Radcliffe with complete joy for my sister, because I could have never imagined how much I would need my Radcliffe in the months to come.

 I look back with slight anxiety at the thought, because I could have so easily chosen bitterness. Only by God’s grace did He keep me off the path of bitterness. To think I could have I missed the joy of his life makes me feel sick. My sister got pregnant her 1st month of marriage. Yep, she’s one of those! Sorry to ramble on about this, but this is such a huge part of my journey. We were so close to losing Radcliffe, so days like today, I find myself trying to dwell on the precious gift of Rad! My writing will always fall short when I talk about this. Words cannot express how I feel about this gift from God. Wow, I am already feeling better. Also, while I was writing, my best friend Jenn, texted me the funniest story. It is truly amazing what laughter does for your soul!

 My transfer is scheduled for tomorrow at 2:30pm. We will transfer 2 embryos and save the rest for later. I get to see Radcliffe this week, so I know I will be on cloud nine. Once again Lord, perfect timing. This seems to be the running theme today.