1st Twinmester!

First, our old site is being revamped to a new site and my stuff is not available yet. So, I will be using this Blogger site until then. Needless to say, I am tech challenged. :-) http://twosisterstwostories.blogspot.com/

17 weeks down! The weeks have been flying by and I am not even in a hurry or trying to rush my pregnancy. I am trying to enjoy everyday, every moment, so grateful that I still have little babies to talk about. It has been so surreal to hear people talk about our babies, for many weeks it has felt like we were talking about someone else, their pregnancy, their babies. My friend Jenn wrote me a note congratulating me for making it through the 1st trimester. She wrote about how she daydreamed about what my children would look like. I started crying because I had not even daydreamed about what they would look like. It wasn’t intentional, but I think after waiting for so long it was just my default. For so long it had been so painful to daydream, but the positive is that I am truly living in the today! I am going to flashback to when we first found out and summarize the events that have occurred so bear with me. I meant to write several weeks ago, but we all know how that goes.

The Beginning:

The 2-3 days following our transfer I was suppose to “take it easy”. There is something about people telling you to take it easy that you suddenly remember all of the things you need to do. However, I followed doctor’s orders, even though no one thought I would “take it easy”. There were several rules to follow for those days like no hot showers, no lifting over 10lbs, no exercise, or anything that raised my core temperature. So basically, I couldn’t watch anything political on TV either. :-) I did want to follow the rules because I believe that is being a good steward of the knowledge God has given to us, however, I had no faith in the lack of my activity to produce pregnancy. I knew that if it was God’s will that I would become pregnant. There was nothing I had control over and nothing I could do, nor wanted to do, to change His plan. I did have an extreme peace, not that it would work out in our favor, but that God’s perfect will was being done.

The Friday after our transfer I was out running errands, which was about 10 days before we found out we were pregnant, I felt so good that day. Partly, because I could finally get off the couch! I went into to grab a “few” things at Whole Foods and as I was carrying my grocery bags to the car it dawned on me that I was carrying well over 10 lbs. It was too late, I was already halfway to my car. Then I thought to myself, God is bigger than this. What will be will be. I am not in control. And then out of nowhere I said to myself, “I’m pregnant, I feel pregnant”. I was grinning ear to ear, the sun was shining and I just had the most amazing feeling. Now I knew that “feelings” mean nothing, but I was just going with. I just wanted to enjoy the moment, not live in the fear. If I was pregnant I would regret not sharing my feelings and if I wasn’t pregnant it could get any more devastating so what the heck. I called my sister later that day and told her, “I’m pregnant”. There was a long pause, I think it totally freaked her out because she knew it was too soon to know for sure. I wanted to tell her what I had felt so that if I did end of pregnant someone heard me say it. She was hesitant at first because she was afraid that if it wasn’t true that maybe I would be that much more crushed if I had my hopes up on a feeling. I told her that I will already be crushed if I do not end up pregnant, nothing at this point will make that worse or better. I didn’t want to be afraid of the feelings I had. My sister quickly jumped on board, in Nancy style. She was so excited because I “felt” pregnant.

Of course I had thoughts here and there, “what if it didn’t work?”. They only lasted a second because the pain was so severe that I would not even let myself dwell on it being negative. I really didn’t know how I would make it through if this IVF cycle didn’t work. I knew that the Lord never gives you more than you can handle, I trusted that, but I could see no way that I was going to make it through another failed cycle. So, I just chose to leave it up to God and if that was His plan, I trusted that He would pull me out of despair and show me how to go on. I could not humanly see how I would handle another failed cycle, so I literally took that worry and gave it to Christ. Truth is I could not handle it on my own, but with Christ all things are possible. I knew this because He had already lifted, carried, and pulled me through deep valleys. Trusting this completely gave me the peace to be free of worry and fear. That is a priceless gift that the Lord wants to give everyone. I just wasn’t going to waste those precious days on something that may not even happen.

I was so ready to take that 1st HPT on that Monday morning, 6dp5dt. (My last IVF cycle I never took an early test until the morning of my blood test, I was too afraid of the answer) That means 6 days past a 5 day transfer. I saw where several people online had positive tests that early. .I knew that one of the embryos that we transferred had already hatched out of his shell and the next step was implantation. In my head, Hatchy implanted first thus would start making HCG and Blasty attached a day or so later. Now, this is just my made up scenario. Just to be clear, we named our embryos Hatchy and Blasty. Hatchy because he had busted out of his shell and Blasty because at day 5 they are referred to as a blastocyst stage.

I took my first HPT on December 17th and I was totally shocked when for the first time in my life a two lines revealed themselves. I took a test every morning and every afternoon until my blood test. They became darker every day. Each time was as if it was the first. In all 4 years of trying to conceive there had never been a positive test. This reminded me of my recent prayers with regards to fertility. I prayed that even if I did not remain pregnant, if I could only be pregnant for a moment, just to have the experience, just to see a positive pregnancy test, just to know that I could even get pregnant. At this point, we did not know if I could even get pregnant. These positive tests meant so much more to me than having a child. It represents answered prayer. My joy in that moment actually had very little to do with the fact that I might have my own child, and so much to do with what the Lord had taught me. I really can barely put it into words. I was even thinking about the next step, just so very grateful for this positive test even if this was all I was given it was more than I had in the past and it was an answer to prayer. It was a gift from God. I tried to stay in those moments that entire week, reliving the” stick” turning positive daily. It was WONDERFUL!!!! I have saved everyone of those tests and they serve as a reminder that God is good, that He will carry you through the valleys so that the mountain top is that much sweeter, that He has a perfect plan for you and His way is always best It was one of the best moments of my life, not because I was pregnant but because God’s Word is true This moment took my faith to a whole other level. For this, I am most grateful!

1st Twinmester:

Our positive blood test came just in time for the Christmas holiday. I prayed that both babies would make it. As far as I was concerned, I was pregnant with twins until told otherwise. I could not talk as if there was only one because I felt like that would be leaving the other one out, or somehow not wanting one of them. I would have obviously been grateful for whatever God gave us. I also did not take anything for granted. A positive pregnancy test was just that, a positive pregnancy. It in now way promises me that I will remain pregnancy, that I will see anything on an ultrasound, or hold a baby/babies in my arms on 9 months. I was not promised anything and I knew this reality.I thoroughly enjoyed every passing day, but was aware of the reality that anything could happen. I prayed that if it were God’s will that I would see two babies. Our very first ultrasound was at our fertility center on January 7th. This was the first time that we saw two babies! Our next ultrasound was on January 15th and we were so thrilled to see that both babies were still there and growing. I cannot take it for granted that they will just be there. I also didn’t worry about their future because they were safely in the hands of Jesus. That week we heard their precious heart beats on Doppler for the first time. It was surreal and almost like I was hearing someone else’s baby’s heart beats. It didn’t seem real, it just sounded too good to be true! I was in shock for several weeks, but the best kind of shock.

I had my very 1st OB appointment after the ultrasound. When you call the OBGYN office they always ask “are you pregnant?” before putting you on hold. Of course, I ALWAYS had to say NO for the millionth time, but this time I got to say yes! I almost said no out of habit, and then I caught myself! My appointment went really well. They did find a subchorionic hemorrhage (SCH), but they usually go will away on their own. My doctor will do regular ultrasounds until it has resolved. Sometimes if they start to grow, they can lead to miscarriage and later in pregnancy preterm labor, but this is not the norm. If I were to go back and find out at some point that it has grown, I would be put on bed rest.

I really didn’t worry about it because what will be will be. The Lord has already put into history what children we will have. The lady at my pregnancy center captured this amazing photo of them side by side!

Chorionic hematoma (also chorionic hemorrhage) is the pooling of blood (hematoma) between the chorion, a membrane surrounding the embryo, and the uterine wall. With an incidence of 3.1% of all pregnancies, it is the most common sonographic abnormality and the most common cause of first trimester bleeding. http://emedicine.medscape.com/article/404971-overview

My SCH has remained on the smaller side and does not appear to be actively bleeding. It has remained the same size on every ultrasound. We have been able to see our babies so much more because of this abnormality so for this I am grateful. If they do not progress, the body will either reabsorb the blood or you will have some bleeding.

I felt great throughout my entire first trimester, considering I was growing two humans. I never had any morning sickness or all day sickness. I did have some other pregnancy symptoms that just aren’t worth mentioning because I am pregnant!!! I continued my workouts that consisted of running and Crossfit. The days I worked out were and still are the days I feel the best. Specifically in the first trimester, I noticed that I had minimal indigestion, slept better, less body aches, and much more energy on the days I exercised. I know that working out is good for you while pregnant, but during this first trimester I was amazed at the decrease in pregnancy symptoms from working out. This first trimester was bliss. I lived in pure joy and freedom from worry. For the simple fact that I cannot change the future or what will be. I have not always been this way, I had to learn hard way over the past few years. I was so grateful to be able to put this faith into action during these first delicate weeks. Thank the Lord for progress!

2nd Twinmester:

More updates to come! We will be finding out genders very, very soon! I will post ultrasound photo, maybe belly photos(if I’m feeling brave), and gender reveal photos soon!

Baby’s Measurements:

6w4d - Baby A - 0.72cm, HR 124; Baby B - 0.74cm, HR 119

7w5d - Baby A - 1.26cm, HR 151; Baby B - 1.3cm, HR152

8w6d - Baby A - 2.09cm, HR 176; Baby B - 2.10cm, HR 173

10w5d- Baby A - 4.2cm, HR 165; Baby B - 3.7cm, HR 176

12w0d- Baby A - 4.99cm, HR 153; Baby B - 5.41cm, HR 154

13w6d- Baby A - 7.43cm, HR 148; Baby B - 7.48cm, HR 153

It's Been A Very Long Road, But It Was Worth It.

January 8th, 2013 

 I have not blogged in a while because after our negative pregnancy test I needed to move forward. Most of the time writing helps, but this time it just served as a sad reminder. I am going to try to recap the past 8 months just writing as it comes to mind. So, please ignore any and all grammatical errors. J I really wish cthere was time to have my Dad proofread, but the last time I sent him 4 pages to look at he sent it back with 100 balloons attached! We had a big laugh about it.

 I left for the beach about a week after our negative test. It was great timing. I spent many days staring out into the ocean wondering what God’s plan for our family was. I just had to push through the pain, one day at a time. Radcliffe’s sweet little face really helped! Now, Mother’s Day was quite horrible. The amount of different emotions that come crashing down on you is simply overwhelming. I wanted to stay in bed, alone, all day. Of course, I couldn’t and shouldn’t. There is such a struggle because I wanted to celebrate my mom and Rad’s mom, but everywhere you go and everyone you talk to says…”Happy Mother’s Day” (said with sarcastic voice).  I wanted a sign that stated, “not a mother, but thanks for the reminder”.  It didn’t help matters that my failed IVF was only 10 days prior. Growing pains. Each Mother’s Day has become increasingly more difficult.

 The first Mother’s Day was in 2009, we had only been trying for 4 months. Piece of cake. Easy Breezy. Second one was in 2010 my sister was about 7 weeks pregnant. I spent that Mother’s Day trying to make her feel special about motherhood. The best way for me to get over myself was to focus on my sister and my nephew! And I was going to be an aunt!

 Third one was in 2011, 29 months into out infertility journey. I was totally unprepared for the FLOOD of emotions - the good, the bad, and the ugly. We were in Norman and as my father began to preach about mothers I begin to shed the tears. I had so much to be grateful for, but I also felt the pain and emptiness of not being a mother myself. As I looked at my dad and the man He became totally against the odds, I was overcome with gratitude to the Lord for making Him my daddy and that my dad had chosen to follow Christ with everything. He did not have a mother, which lead to think about my own mother. She sacrificed everything, all of her own wants, plans, and desires for us. Then I look down at my 5 month old nephew who is sleeping in his car seat. He had survived 7 heart defects and as chink as ever. I was sitting next to my sister and I so grateful for Radcliffe’s life and that my sister was still a mother. I was so grateful in that moment that I even had a mother, much less that the Lord gave me the Godly mother that he did, and that in His Sovereign plan He allowed Radcliffe to remain in our lives thus keeping my sister a mommy. I tried to stay focused on these things, but the sadness was completely overwhelming. I wanted to die. I wanted to get out from the pain. The last thing you want to do is ruin your family’s day. They deserved to have a good day. 

 This year’s was 41 month in and it was brutal. It takes a lot for me to want to hide in a room alone, but today was that day. Every time someone repeats those dreaded words the dagger goes a little deeper. I spent the entire day just trying to hold myself together, trying to hold back the tears. It was exhausting. I cried several times when I was alone because I just didn’t want everyone else to be sad too. Not only was it Mother’s Day, but it was also their vacation! I remember specifically wanting to punch the host at dinner that night when he said, “Happy Mother’s Day”. I wanted to SCREAM, “I am not a mother, but thanks for the reminder buddy”. I felt angry!

 I was ready to move forward as quickly as possible. I had already gathered the schedules for the next several IVF cycles. Rocky and I decided that we would like to do the September cycle. I met with my RE at the end of May and after looking over everything she strongly recommended that we repeat the septated surgery and removed the remaining septum. Even though my remaining septum was less than 2 cm, she said she could not help but wonder if this was a participating factor in my failed IVF. In that moment I felt crushed, like I had gone back in time, lost 2 whole years. I was devastated. I was right back where we started. I always feel like I am taking one step forward just to take a million backwards. She wanted to do the surgery in July, which was almost 2 years to the day. It was total déjà vu and not in a good way. This meant there would be no cycle in September. She recommended I waited at least 3-4 cycles to give the uterine wall multiple cycles of thickening and shedding to ensure adequate blood flow to that section. It was just more bad news on top of more bad news. I knew that she was right, but I didn’t like it. I felt like I had just been punched in the stomach. Everything was always a delay!

 The place where the septum attaches to the uterine wall has zero blood supply; the blood supply in the uterine wall gradually decreases as you approach the septum. So, it is possible that the little tiny embryos tried to attach near the septum and there would still not be enough blood supply so sustain life. The inside of the uterus is a very small space so even if you tried to place the embryos towards the front, which she did, there is no way to guarantee that this is where they will remain.

Two years ago, during my septated removal post-op appointment, my RE said that she wants to go back in and remove the remaining portion. Even though it looks like she had removed most of it, and the remaining portion was only around 1.6cm. She said that statistically women still get pregnant with this and the standard is anything under 2cm does not have to be removed unless multiple miscarriages. However, she wanted it gone because she said when we do an IVF cycle I will lay awake at night wondering if that embryo is going to try to attach to that portion. My mind was telling me to go ahead. This was my doctor’s recommendation, but for whatever reason the Great Physician was telling me no. I know without a doubt that the Lord said, “Do not do another surgery”. I just didn’t know that He only meant “not right now”. Of course we prayed about it, but I just knew that we were not supposed to do it. So we didn’t. I still do not know the reason that the Lord closed that door only to open the same door 2 years later. I may never know. But as I walked out of my doctor’s office in tears because my/our plans were being changed, yet again, I knew deep down that the Lord was doing something bigger in my life and my husband’s life. I didn’t have all of the answers and I was crushed, but one thing I knew for sure that the Lord had guided us back to where we had begun two years prior. I completely trust that God is good and faithful. He answers prayer, but in His timing and sovereign and omniscient power, knowing what was best for us.

 The greatest lesson I learned here was to allow the Lord to lead all of your decisions, even if it goes against your knowledge, against medical advice, or any advice for that matter; because if you don’t, hind sight becomes your worst enemy. Inevitably in our limited knowledge we will either make the wrong decision and spend forever regretful, or make the right decision but spend forever second guessing whether it was right or not -woulda, shoulda, coulda syndrome. I am not saying it was easy. I shed many tears over this setback, but I was spared the woulda, shoula, coulda, syndrome because I rested 100% in the fact that the Lord closed that door and re-opened it 2 years later. I do not know the reason, but I do know that His plan always has our best interest at heart so it must be for a great reason. I just had to push forward. The one thing I do know is that I will be a better mother today than I would have been 2 years ago.

My surgery went very well. My septum was actually larger than it appeared on ultrasound and hard as a rock. The surgery took much longer than she expected because of the calcification that had occurred on my remaining septum. She wasn’t even able to use the instrument she had planned on, but instead she had to literally chip away at it like you would a rock! WOW!

 Shortly after my surgery my second nephew was born, Winston Augustus Crosby. I was able to spend 7 weeks, off and on, with my sister and her boys. What a joy!

 During the mist of my fertility treatments this year God was also doing something else in a different area. At the end of last year I started volunteering at Hope Pregnancy Center, but then took a break during my IVF cycles in the spring. I had basically only been there long enough to shadow and train. They specifically wanted me to attend an ultrasound training course, but the next one was not until September. They needed nurses/PA’s to perform their limited obstetric ultrasounds. I kept feeling the Lord pulling me back to this center. I wasn’t doing anything outside myself, my family, or work. I knew this was wrong, but I kept coming up with the best reasons to put it off just a little longer. And oh did I come up with some good ones. Examples: I am too stressed out, no time, emotionally drained, seeing pregnant people will just be to hard(that was a good one), etc.. The above were all true, but none of them mattered. God does not ask us to only serve when life is stress free because when would that be?!?!?!  I would also wonder is this really from God, is this really the right time? I would constantly try to put it out of my mind, but it always came back. After my surgery I started to do the math, by math I mean calculating the next cycle, due dates etc. I do very little of this calculating these days because obviously my plans mean nothing. However, this time God spoke directly to me through dates and timing. I love being talked to through numbers of any kind. Hopefully, I can spell this out without too much confusion. If we had not needed another surgery we would have been on the September cycle with a transfer most likely around September 20^th-24. This happens to be the same weekend of the closest ultrasound training course in Joplin, MO. There were a couple other courses, but they were in Virginia and would cost our center a lot more money. Secondly, they ask that you sign a year contract because of the funds that are used to train you properly. One year later would in September obviously. The next IVF cycle that we would be one would be in mid/late December, which would put our due date around late August/early September. When these two things lined up, I knew exactly what the Lord was telling me. It was amazing that He cared this much to make it so clear. There was no denying this any longer. Of course, I still called my dad and asked what he thought of all my thoughts. I will never forget his words. He said, “make a list of all the pros and cons and if the con list only list selfish/self-serving reasons then you’ll have your answer.” I did not even have to make that list, I already knew the reasons and none of them were going to hold up. I think part of me called my dad because once I said everything out loud to him I knew that I would be accountable to do something. I have watched my parents serve the Lord everyday for 33 ½ years. My dad also said to me, I would rather make the mistake of serving the Lord in an area to later find out God didn’t want me there, than to make the mistake of not serving at all. He also said that your mother and I have never regretted for one moment serving the Lord, even at times when our tanks were low. I did feel like my tank was running on fumes, but the Lord doesn’t ask us to do anything that He will not give us the strength to do.

 Sadly, God had put this on my heart a couple years back and I had procrastinated until finally I could no longer run. This year the burden to serve in this center was greater than ever. To quantify, a couple years ago it had been at a whisper and now it was at scream.  I knew I would not be in the will of God if I didn’t commit and move on. I kept thinking, if I die tonight, how much have I really done for the kingdom?  It was a sickening feeling. I knew the Lord had put this on my heart for a reason and I just had to do it.

 I definitely thought it was ironic that the one thing I would be doing was the one thing that I had desperately been trying to achieve. I was going to be face to face with many women who did not even want to be pregnant. If the Lord was asking me to do this, He must be preparing me for something, strengthening me in Him.

 Once I committed to the center I felt so light, a great burden had been lifted off my chest. The training in Joplin was more than just training; it was a total blessing in my life. The Lord was definitely at work at that center and the Joplin community was seeing Christ through their service. I had a peace that even though it was not my plan to postpone treatment, it was definitely God’s plan.

 It took me several months to feel “normal” again. January through May I had been on hormone medication. It is amazing how long it takes your body to return to normal. By late August I finally felt like myself again. It was a very hard several months, not feeling in control of your emotions or moods. I was very excited to be medication free until November. Of course that was shattered when they told me I would have to start medication early October for a December cycle. To be quite honest, I was crushed. I finally felt mentally normal and the thought of starting these medications 6 weeks sooner than I had prepared myself for was very difficulty. I know it sounds small, but I was so tired, mentally exhausted, and just wanted to feel normal a little longer.

 This past fall was the hardest few months of my life. The 4 long years of infertility seem to be caving in on me. I did not want to go through another cycle. I didn’t know how I would survive another failed cycle. I kept telling my husband, “what’s the point; I am just buying more heartache”. I didn’t feel like I had the strength to continue. I felt like I was literally falling apart every other day. These thoughts came in waves, good days and bad days. To be quite honest, there were many moments of many days that I literally didn’t want to be here anymore. No, I wasn’t suicidal! It was just that the pain was so deep and had gone on for so long that I really just wanted to go on to Heaven to get out from under the pain. It was also a sweet moment, to actually long to be home in Heaven. There were some days when I was doing the ultrasounds at the pregnancy center and would literally hold back the tears. I had to completely separate my life from their life. I wanted what they had and I am sure some of them wanted something that I had. Good news is that the Lord saw me through the dark valleys.

 I was completely shocked about the amount of things that you still had to do for frozen embryo transfer. There were still shots, pills, patches, etc. I started estrogen pills along with lupron shots in October, by mid-November I started estrogen patches increasing up to 4 every other day, baby aspirin, pre-natal, estrace pill, and by early December the dreaded progesterone injections. I never talked about these in the spring, but I think I will write about them later in honor of all IVF women out there. 

Our frozen embryo transfer was performed on December 11^th and 2 precious babies were placed in their home. Both embryos survived the thaw and one was already hatching out which is the stage prior to implantation. We named him Hatchy and the other one Blasty. I will try to upload a picture. I was able to see them as they were transferred into my uterus. They looked like to bright white bouncy little dots. It was totally amazing!!!!

 I was instructed to “rest” for the next few days. I do not really like being told to rest, but I did it. My 1000 piece puzzle kept me sane. No lifting over 10lbs, cool showers, and lots of lying down. If I even lifted my leg to high Rocky was “speaking loudly” at me. LOL  I did follow all the rules. This wait was the longest 2 weeks of my life. Last IVF cycle I was actually in New Mexico so it flew by.

 The good news is that we are finally pregnant! WOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Praise Jesus! My beta-hCG(blood) test was scheduled for the end of the following week. I had done some reading and decided that I would start doing home pregnancy test on the Monday following my transfer. So, basically 6 days past a 5 day transfer. Rocky thought I should wait until the blood test, but there was no way I could wait another day. Last cycle I was afraid to take a home test and this time I felt a great peace. In all 4 years this was our first EVER positive pregnancy test. It was faint, but there were definitely 2 lines! It was surreal. I felt like I was watching myself from a distance as if it were someone else’s test. Rocky was ecstatic. I took several more that week just for the sheer joy of watching the lines show up. This was such an answer to prayer. I had prayed many times if I could just get pregnant, even if it led to miscarriage, just so I can at least say that I have been pregnant. I finally beat that digital test that was always telling me “NOT PREGNANT”. My beta blood test came back and confirmed what we had hoped and it was 161.

A week later by second blood test showed my hCG at 3700!!! 

 A week later we had our first ultrasound……. And there were 2 babies. Did you hear me correctly?!?!?! God has given us two babies so far. We just found out yesterday and it is still just a dream. I am hoping to be able to upload some US photos of the twins. It was still SHOCKING, even when we knew it was a possibility. There are so many more thoughts and details that I want to write about, but can barely think straight or concentrate right now. I will post some of them later. I wanted to blog about this sooner, but the holidays postponed me blogging!

 What I do want to say is that God is good and He is faithful. He answers prayers, but in His perfect timing. He taught us many invaluable things over the past four, long, hard years, but I wouldn’t trade any of it because of where He has brought us today.

 I will add some more updates as they come in. Thank you guys so much for all of your support, prayers, and encouraging words.

IVF #2 - The Aftermath

May 4^th, 2012

 Well, today is a new day. I had to work, which is probably a good thing. I am still very sad, but no tears so far today (there is still a lot of day left). I feel myself trying to move on. There is no other choice. It doesn’t mean I will not shed anymore tears. I feel like I have no choice, but to keep pushing forward. What’s done is done. I cannot change the facts, or the past. I feel the Lord pulling me forward, keeping me from staying in the valley too long. The pain and sadness is still there, and I am sure will be for some time. I am so grateful for the three little babies we have in the lab. I am so grateful that I bought a package that include cancellations, FET (frozen embryo transfer), cryopreservation, storage fees, and of course the fresh cycle. The Lord put that on our hearts to purchase, and now it has saved us A LOT of money. If everything would have went perfect we, would have lost some money. He knows the future.

 Last night I was showing Rocky pictures from our trip and came across our two little embryos. Those little friends just didn't want to stay here.  I am so grateful that I get to go to the beach with Radcliffe in just a few days. What a blessing. He is a dream. I wondered yesterday, would I always have to live out my dreams of being a mother through Nancy’s children. This brings tears to my eyes. I hope I do not butt in too much. J I know that I may adopt one day, but there is just this part of you that really wants to see your genetics played out, to experience pregnancy, a baby’s first kick, 4D ultrasounds, the first heartbeat, finding out the gender, baby shower, delivery, first cry, first bath, first diaper, etc. The list doesn’t end.

 I spoke with the IVF coordinator and we made an appointment to talk with Dr. McKinney, our fertility doctor. So, it will probably be a few more months before we can do the FET. It looks like I will not be ready until the July/August cycle. This sounds so far away. But, I guess what is a few months against 3 ½ years. I do not want to rush into it too quickly. Doing it right is better than doing it quickly.

 Through all of the pain, I completely trust that the Lord is preparing Rocky and I for something. I do not know what it is, and may not even want to know yet. I know that there has to be a purpose, and this is where my hope resides. Maybe it is as simple as learning to enjoy only today. I did daydream some with my family, but tried to stay grounded as well. Fortunately, I did not plan out the next 9 months of my life while waiting for the results, knowing that there is no promise that this was going to work. Glad I didn’t, or I would be spending the next several months getting over the devastation of plans that were never to be, at least not yet. Been there, done that!

 In my knowledge, there should be no reason that I am not pregnant, but in His knowledge, there is. I have to trust His knowledge over my own. It is prideful to think that I know better than my Heavenly Father who loves me more than my own father, and my dad REALLY loves me! It keeps me sane, to say the least. I do not understand why, but above that, I have to know that He has a prefect reason. It hurts and I wish it were over, but I know that in 20 years we will look back and see things much clearer. My parents have given me numerous examples of this in their own lives. I have seen it too many times not to put my faith here. I know that the Lord will reveal the reasons, and we will actually be grateful. This faith keeps me going, and excited for the future, whatever that may be. Faith and trust in the Lord is the only way to survive, and thrive, through life’s trials, and to come out on the other side of continued devastating news. I know this because I am living it right now.

 While I was getting ready for work this morning my best friend Jenn sent me this verse.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.   Psalm 34:18

IVF #2 - "You're Test Is Negative"

May 3^rd, 2012

 I returned from my trip, and it did serve as a great distraction. It was so wonderful to be surrounded by family that truly loves you! Of course, I still thought about it all the time, but it was more in the background. It was so nice to not be sitting around my house, wondering what was going to be. My hCG lab was drawn at 8:00am, and then I headed off to work. I was so anxious for about the first 2 hours then settled in. I told the lab lady to not call me at work. I did not want to hear the news until I was home! For the past couple days, I had the feeling that it had not worked. This was probably my mind preparing me for the worst. I did take a pregnancy test last night, and again this morning, and they were both negative. I knew there was a possibility that it was too early, maybe implantation happened later, etc. But, in my heart I knew that it was probably right. I think that is why I was so anxious when I came into today. I just knew they were going to call me with a negative. After I had taken the 1^st pregnancy test, on Wednesday night, I just kept thinking to myself, why can’t I get pregnant? Why is it not God’s will for me to be a mother now? Why do all the other people get pregnant so easily? So, many mothers do not even care to be a mother. I was just really upset, why could I not get a positive like everyone else?

 Everyone starts asking you if you have heard anything, and I didn’t want to tell them about the test I had taken the night before. I didn’t want to mourn like it was actually negative, until I knew for sure. I wanted the whole thing to just go away. I think because I knew in my heart that the home test were probably right. While I was at work, I goggled if anyone else had a negative HPT, then a positive blood test. Of course, I was just looking for any story that would make me feel better. I left work around 3pm just dying to know the final answer. I left a voicemail for the IVF coordinator to let her know that I was off work. That next hour was the longest hour of my life. I felt sick, anxious, and paralyzed. I laid on my couch, just staring at the wall. I could not even watch TV. I wanted to cry, but held it in until she called. When she finally called, in a sad voice she said…it is negative.

 I didn’t breath for about 10 seconds, I felt like my heart was being ripped out. The past several months just flashed before my eyes. I had tried to prepare myself for those words, but I was still holding out for hope that the HPT was wrong. You can never really prepare for this after going through so much. All of the shots, appointments, juggling work, ultrasounds, blood draws, started to flash before my eyes. What is wrong with me? I just don’t understand. How could it not work? I know it is obviously not God’s timing, but it still hurts so deeply. I do not know how you get through the types of devastating disappointments when you entire existence is riding on this working. I am not even someone who allows myself to get too far ahead from today, at least not anymore, and I am still crushed. I do not know how those people survive, maybe they don’t. If my faith, hope, and trust were in IVF, and not Christ, I wouldn’t make it. It is too devastating. It is my only saving grace.

 I got off the phone as fast as I could, and started cry. I was so crushed. It was a pain that was so deep. How could all of this not have worked? I cried off and on for the next two hours. I am so sick of crying and so sick of sharing bad news. I didn’t cry for as long as I thought I would, because I simply do not have that many tears left to shed over this same subject! I did have a slight pity party. I will never hold my own newborn, just everyone else’s newborn baby. It will never work. Why? Why? Why? Rocky came home and of course he was so sad. He was the one telling me to keep thinking positive, even after the negative tests at home. I watched TV the rest of the night. I didn’t really feel like talking to anyone because I simply had no words. Nothing was going to make me feel better in that moment. I texted my family, and a couple friends the terrible news. Later that night I read all of their texts, and listened to their voicemails. I cried all over again, but felt so lucky to have so many people by my side. I was so touched by their complete sadness for Rocky and I. My sweet cousins, who live in town, dropped off the most beautiful flowering plant at our doorstep. It was so thoughtful. We are very blessed in this regard.

 I cry the most when I am alone. I feel like the burden of this journey has gone on for so long that I am tired of putting any of it on my friends and family. I am tired of having to share bad news, because I do not want them to keep having to be sad for me. It’s like Debbie Downer! I do not want to rob them of any joy they are experiencing in their lives. I know they do not feel this way, and they always want to carry the burden with us. After a while, you just start feeling bad because the bad news just keeps coming.   

My cousin Micah shared this verse with me and I received it while I was at work, so before I found out the news.

Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you will abound I hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.   Romans 15:13

The song below was playing on the radio when I was driving to get my blood drawn and again when I was on my way home. This was the first song I heard when I turned my car on. I do not believe in coincidences.

Carry Me To The Cross by: Kutless

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C0UeOSrTEAs

When the path is daunting
And every step exhausting
I'm not alone I'm not alone
I feel You draw me closer
All these burdens on my shoulder
I'm not alone I'm not alone
You pull me from this place
Hallelujah! You carry me every day
You carry me all the way
Hallelujah! You carry me to the,
You carry me to the cross
How Your love has moved me yeah
To the foot of all Your glory
I'm not alone I'm not alone
I'm not alone
All of these cities You have built
And every cathedral You have filled
To all of creation You gave life with Your hands
And with those hands you comfort me
You lift me up from my knees and carry me
You carry me  

IVF #2 - The Day After...I'm Outta here!

April 24th, 2012

 I woke up this morning, bright and early, thinking about my embryos that were still in the lab. I prayed for each one of them. I prayed that The Lord would do with them as He pleases. I prayed that He would makes the ones grow that He wanted to live, and take the ones home that He didn’t want me to have. Whatever was still alive by this morning, they would freeze. I was dying all day to know what their status was. I wasn't even focusing on if I was pregnant or not. Finally, I received a call this afternoon letting me that only 3 had made it to freeze. The other 2 didn't make it. We gave them the best chance at life and that was not what God had intended for them. They were all they were meant to be. 

 We are so thrilled to have 3 left to freeze, which means 5 out the 7 made it. Yea!!! I am leaving tomorrow to go on a girls trip with my mom, sister, grandmother, cousin Micah, Aunt Michelle, Simone( Micah's 7 month old), and of course.... Radcliffe! I'm so grateful to have this trip. I will be gone the entire wait for my pregnancy test. This trip was planned long before this IVF cycle. God is good and had each day planned perfectly. Thank you to each one of you for you words, prayer, encouragement, and support. God has used them in more ways them you will ever know. So, THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart!!! So, now we wait! :-).

IVF #2 - Embryo Transfer Day

April 23rd, 2012

 I had to go to work today and somehow cram 2 days’ worth of work into one. I went 90 to nothing up until 2:25pm. It felt great though, because it kept my mind off the transfer. Having to change my work schedule last minute is always a burden on your co-workers, but I tried to make it as easy as possible on them. They have been so wonderful about the entire process. Working part time also helps.

 Besides being revved up from work, I felt great! All of my worry and anxiety from yesterday was gone. They did give me a Valium to help me relax during the procedure, so I am sure that didn’t hurt. ;-) When we arrived, Rocky and I took several photos in the waiting room, trying to document each step. We first met with our doctor in her office. She showed us the day 5 development of our little babies. The 2 we were going to implant had made it to the blastocyst stage and were rated: BLST 3BB. AA is the best grade, but my doctor said that the embryologist never gives a perfect grade so basically BB is the best score he gives. A good example of this is the APGAR score. Most babies never get a 10, even if they are perfect! This made me feel really good.

 There were 3 that had not made it to blastocyst stage and she was going to give them one more day to get there. Freezing, formally known as cryopreservation, has better success if they get to the blast stage first. The others would likely be frozen this afternoon. However, we will be saving all embryos that are alive no matter what grade they give them. We are just trying to give them the best shot at becoming children. It was funny because I was lying on the table when the embryologist came in and my doctor was informing him on our desires. I blurted out; we want to save any that are ALIVE no matter what. I didn’t want any confusion on this! It is the lower grade ones that may not be viable or implant, but that is for God to decide.

 They took me back and prepped me for the procedure and you have to have a full bladder. It wasn’t that bad. I was afraid my bladder wasn’t considered full because I actually had gone to the bathroom at 2:15, but they said it looked great! So, I was not that uncomfortable. As I was laying on the table waiting for the doctor, they handed me a photo of my two embryos and it was magnificent. I was glowing!!! When my doctor was perfectly ready to inject the embryos, here comes the embryologist with the tiniest catheter that was holding our angels. It was so crazy to see how tiny it was. They were suspended in fluid inside the catheter. CRAZY!!! I also got to see the white flecks in my uterus that were my babies via ultrasound. They looked so cozy in their home. They weelly wiked it in there. I hope it is no vacation home. I looked at them and said, “Hi friends”. I wasn’t crying, oddly enough. I think I had done enough of that yesterday. I was simply elated. I was cherishing every second.

I laid flat in recovery for 30minutes. The time just flew by. Rocky was so excited to see the photo. I came home and fell asleep for an hour. I think the valium did me some good after this whirlwind day. It would have been hard for Rocky to keep me glued to the couch otherwise. I think they were a little surprised I worked all day. I would rather work until the moment, and be able to relax afterwards. We went to celebrate by eating, of course! It was just a great day. I fell at peace today. No anxiety. Yay!

IVF #2 - Day 4 Post Retrieval

April 22^nd, 2012

All 7 are still alive.

4 - Grade 3.0
2 – Grade 2.5
1 – Grade 2.0

 Happy they are all still alive, but for some reason I was a little sad when I heard my message this morning. We may lose the grade 2.0 embryo. I pray that we do not. I do not know the cell number today. My initial reaction to the grades being lowered was worry, and it is still good news. I can’t figure out why I was a down. Maybe it is just the emotion of it all. All morning in church I was battling fear, anxiety, worry, etc. I wanted to know the outcome, but then I didn’t. I had anxiety and peace all at the same time. I know that Satan wants to rob me of joy today. All of the unknowns tumbled in on me this morning, out of nowhere. The desire to have a baby is always there. Most days now I do well, but some days I just fall apart out of sheer weakness. Emotional and mental exhaustion. All of the medicines do not help. Thankfully I finished my 2^nd round of steroids today. The 1^st steroid is a very small dose and taken with the injections. This 2^nd one is a higher dose, and taken during, and after retrieval. It is higher than some of the doses we have a brain tumor patients on. So, I am feeling a bit jittery from them. Hallelujah, I threw the bottle away this morning. The anticipation of tomorrow is definitely building. My Bible study group has just started our new study this week, and it is called, Anxious for Nothing by John MacArthur. Perfect timing!!! 

 Surrendering my desire to His will is a continual, daily process with some days being harder than others. I whole heartedly believe that His timing is perfect, and I want it no other way. However, my desire to have a newborn baby is beyond comprehension. I am so tired, emotionally. It is such a roller coaster. I think that this relates to any trial, just a different desire.

 I know I am probably rambling, but I am just writing as the feelings come. I told my husband as we were leaving church today that I do not know where I would be without Radcliffe. If you do not know who he is, this is my 1^st nephew. I say 1^st, because my sister is pregnant with my second! He was born December 30^th, 2010. When I think of him, my heart explodes with joy. The Lord put him in our lives at the perfect time. Having Rad around has carried me through some of my darkest days. Just to look at his photos, make my day a million times better.  Whenever I am having a sad day, wanting a child so badly, I watch his videos. I will cry and laugh because he is such an angel. I scroll through my phone to look at his sweet, hysterical face. I will not tell you how many photos/videos I have taken of him over the past 16 months of life. I got to hold him for several hours prior to his surgery when he was just 6 days old. I got to wake up in the middle of the night to feed him, and I cherished every minute. I knew that his life could be the closest I may get to a newborn that shares my blood. So, I tried to soak up every second.

 When I am with Radcliffe, I forget my trial. It is like a vacation from the pain and sadness. How amazing that the Lord loves me so much that He gave me Rad, at just the perfect time. I try to see him once every month or two. I can never thank my sister enough for letting me be so involved in his life from day one. I am sure there were times that she wanted to feed, bath, and hold him, but she would let me. I could never repay her for what she has given to me. My eyes are welling up as I write this, because I know that my God cares for me so much that he gave me this gift through my sister. She will never truly know what this has meant to me. The feeling is so deep in my heart; I could never convey it properly. I am so grateful that I was able to embrace Radcliffe with complete joy for my sister, because I could have never imagined how much I would need my Radcliffe in the months to come.

 I look back with slight anxiety at the thought, because I could have so easily chosen bitterness. Only by God’s grace did He keep me off the path of bitterness. To think I could have I missed the joy of his life makes me feel sick. My sister got pregnant her 1st month of marriage. Yep, she’s one of those! Sorry to ramble on about this, but this is such a huge part of my journey. We were so close to losing Radcliffe, so days like today, I find myself trying to dwell on the precious gift of Rad! My writing will always fall short when I talk about this. Words cannot express how I feel about this gift from God. Wow, I am already feeling better. Also, while I was writing, my best friend Jenn, texted me the funniest story. It is truly amazing what laughter does for your soul!

 My transfer is scheduled for tomorrow at 2:30pm. We will transfer 2 embryos and save the rest for later. I get to see Radcliffe this week, so I know I will be on cloud nine. Once again Lord, perfect timing. This seems to be the running theme today.