IVF #2 - The Aftermath

May 4^th, 2012

 Well, today is a new day. I had to work, which is probably a good thing. I am still very sad, but no tears so far today (there is still a lot of day left). I feel myself trying to move on. There is no other choice. It doesn’t mean I will not shed anymore tears. I feel like I have no choice, but to keep pushing forward. What’s done is done. I cannot change the facts, or the past. I feel the Lord pulling me forward, keeping me from staying in the valley too long. The pain and sadness is still there, and I am sure will be for some time. I am so grateful for the three little babies we have in the lab. I am so grateful that I bought a package that include cancellations, FET (frozen embryo transfer), cryopreservation, storage fees, and of course the fresh cycle. The Lord put that on our hearts to purchase, and now it has saved us A LOT of money. If everything would have went perfect we, would have lost some money. He knows the future.

 Last night I was showing Rocky pictures from our trip and came across our two little embryos. Those little friends just didn't want to stay here.  I am so grateful that I get to go to the beach with Radcliffe in just a few days. What a blessing. He is a dream. I wondered yesterday, would I always have to live out my dreams of being a mother through Nancy’s children. This brings tears to my eyes. I hope I do not butt in too much. J I know that I may adopt one day, but there is just this part of you that really wants to see your genetics played out, to experience pregnancy, a baby’s first kick, 4D ultrasounds, the first heartbeat, finding out the gender, baby shower, delivery, first cry, first bath, first diaper, etc. The list doesn’t end.

 I spoke with the IVF coordinator and we made an appointment to talk with Dr. McKinney, our fertility doctor. So, it will probably be a few more months before we can do the FET. It looks like I will not be ready until the July/August cycle. This sounds so far away. But, I guess what is a few months against 3 ½ years. I do not want to rush into it too quickly. Doing it right is better than doing it quickly.

 Through all of the pain, I completely trust that the Lord is preparing Rocky and I for something. I do not know what it is, and may not even want to know yet. I know that there has to be a purpose, and this is where my hope resides. Maybe it is as simple as learning to enjoy only today. I did daydream some with my family, but tried to stay grounded as well. Fortunately, I did not plan out the next 9 months of my life while waiting for the results, knowing that there is no promise that this was going to work. Glad I didn’t, or I would be spending the next several months getting over the devastation of plans that were never to be, at least not yet. Been there, done that!

 In my knowledge, there should be no reason that I am not pregnant, but in His knowledge, there is. I have to trust His knowledge over my own. It is prideful to think that I know better than my Heavenly Father who loves me more than my own father, and my dad REALLY loves me! It keeps me sane, to say the least. I do not understand why, but above that, I have to know that He has a prefect reason. It hurts and I wish it were over, but I know that in 20 years we will look back and see things much clearer. My parents have given me numerous examples of this in their own lives. I have seen it too many times not to put my faith here. I know that the Lord will reveal the reasons, and we will actually be grateful. This faith keeps me going, and excited for the future, whatever that may be. Faith and trust in the Lord is the only way to survive, and thrive, through life’s trials, and to come out on the other side of continued devastating news. I know this because I am living it right now.

 While I was getting ready for work this morning my best friend Jenn sent me this verse.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.   Psalm 34:18

IVF #2 - "You're Test Is Negative"

May 3^rd, 2012

 I returned from my trip, and it did serve as a great distraction. It was so wonderful to be surrounded by family that truly loves you! Of course, I still thought about it all the time, but it was more in the background. It was so nice to not be sitting around my house, wondering what was going to be. My hCG lab was drawn at 8:00am, and then I headed off to work. I was so anxious for about the first 2 hours then settled in. I told the lab lady to not call me at work. I did not want to hear the news until I was home! For the past couple days, I had the feeling that it had not worked. This was probably my mind preparing me for the worst. I did take a pregnancy test last night, and again this morning, and they were both negative. I knew there was a possibility that it was too early, maybe implantation happened later, etc. But, in my heart I knew that it was probably right. I think that is why I was so anxious when I came into today. I just knew they were going to call me with a negative. After I had taken the 1^st pregnancy test, on Wednesday night, I just kept thinking to myself, why can’t I get pregnant? Why is it not God’s will for me to be a mother now? Why do all the other people get pregnant so easily? So, many mothers do not even care to be a mother. I was just really upset, why could I not get a positive like everyone else?

 Everyone starts asking you if you have heard anything, and I didn’t want to tell them about the test I had taken the night before. I didn’t want to mourn like it was actually negative, until I knew for sure. I wanted the whole thing to just go away. I think because I knew in my heart that the home test were probably right. While I was at work, I goggled if anyone else had a negative HPT, then a positive blood test. Of course, I was just looking for any story that would make me feel better. I left work around 3pm just dying to know the final answer. I left a voicemail for the IVF coordinator to let her know that I was off work. That next hour was the longest hour of my life. I felt sick, anxious, and paralyzed. I laid on my couch, just staring at the wall. I could not even watch TV. I wanted to cry, but held it in until she called. When she finally called, in a sad voice she said…it is negative.

 I didn’t breath for about 10 seconds, I felt like my heart was being ripped out. The past several months just flashed before my eyes. I had tried to prepare myself for those words, but I was still holding out for hope that the HPT was wrong. You can never really prepare for this after going through so much. All of the shots, appointments, juggling work, ultrasounds, blood draws, started to flash before my eyes. What is wrong with me? I just don’t understand. How could it not work? I know it is obviously not God’s timing, but it still hurts so deeply. I do not know how you get through the types of devastating disappointments when you entire existence is riding on this working. I am not even someone who allows myself to get too far ahead from today, at least not anymore, and I am still crushed. I do not know how those people survive, maybe they don’t. If my faith, hope, and trust were in IVF, and not Christ, I wouldn’t make it. It is too devastating. It is my only saving grace.

 I got off the phone as fast as I could, and started cry. I was so crushed. It was a pain that was so deep. How could all of this not have worked? I cried off and on for the next two hours. I am so sick of crying and so sick of sharing bad news. I didn’t cry for as long as I thought I would, because I simply do not have that many tears left to shed over this same subject! I did have a slight pity party. I will never hold my own newborn, just everyone else’s newborn baby. It will never work. Why? Why? Why? Rocky came home and of course he was so sad. He was the one telling me to keep thinking positive, even after the negative tests at home. I watched TV the rest of the night. I didn’t really feel like talking to anyone because I simply had no words. Nothing was going to make me feel better in that moment. I texted my family, and a couple friends the terrible news. Later that night I read all of their texts, and listened to their voicemails. I cried all over again, but felt so lucky to have so many people by my side. I was so touched by their complete sadness for Rocky and I. My sweet cousins, who live in town, dropped off the most beautiful flowering plant at our doorstep. It was so thoughtful. We are very blessed in this regard.

 I cry the most when I am alone. I feel like the burden of this journey has gone on for so long that I am tired of putting any of it on my friends and family. I am tired of having to share bad news, because I do not want them to keep having to be sad for me. It’s like Debbie Downer! I do not want to rob them of any joy they are experiencing in their lives. I know they do not feel this way, and they always want to carry the burden with us. After a while, you just start feeling bad because the bad news just keeps coming.   

My cousin Micah shared this verse with me and I received it while I was at work, so before I found out the news.

Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you will abound I hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.   Romans 15:13

The song below was playing on the radio when I was driving to get my blood drawn and again when I was on my way home. This was the first song I heard when I turned my car on. I do not believe in coincidences.

Carry Me To The Cross by: Kutless

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C0UeOSrTEAs

When the path is daunting
And every step exhausting
I'm not alone I'm not alone
I feel You draw me closer
All these burdens on my shoulder
I'm not alone I'm not alone
You pull me from this place
Hallelujah! You carry me every day
You carry me all the way
Hallelujah! You carry me to the,
You carry me to the cross
How Your love has moved me yeah
To the foot of all Your glory
I'm not alone I'm not alone
I'm not alone
All of these cities You have built
And every cathedral You have filled
To all of creation You gave life with Your hands
And with those hands you comfort me
You lift me up from my knees and carry me
You carry me  

IVF #2 - The Day After...I'm Outta here!

April 24th, 2012

 I woke up this morning, bright and early, thinking about my embryos that were still in the lab. I prayed for each one of them. I prayed that The Lord would do with them as He pleases. I prayed that He would makes the ones grow that He wanted to live, and take the ones home that He didn’t want me to have. Whatever was still alive by this morning, they would freeze. I was dying all day to know what their status was. I wasn't even focusing on if I was pregnant or not. Finally, I received a call this afternoon letting me that only 3 had made it to freeze. The other 2 didn't make it. We gave them the best chance at life and that was not what God had intended for them. They were all they were meant to be. 

 We are so thrilled to have 3 left to freeze, which means 5 out the 7 made it. Yea!!! I am leaving tomorrow to go on a girls trip with my mom, sister, grandmother, cousin Micah, Aunt Michelle, Simone( Micah's 7 month old), and of course.... Radcliffe! I'm so grateful to have this trip. I will be gone the entire wait for my pregnancy test. This trip was planned long before this IVF cycle. God is good and had each day planned perfectly. Thank you to each one of you for you words, prayer, encouragement, and support. God has used them in more ways them you will ever know. So, THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart!!! So, now we wait! :-).

IVF #2 - Embryo Transfer Day

April 23rd, 2012

 I had to go to work today and somehow cram 2 days’ worth of work into one. I went 90 to nothing up until 2:25pm. It felt great though, because it kept my mind off the transfer. Having to change my work schedule last minute is always a burden on your co-workers, but I tried to make it as easy as possible on them. They have been so wonderful about the entire process. Working part time also helps.

 Besides being revved up from work, I felt great! All of my worry and anxiety from yesterday was gone. They did give me a Valium to help me relax during the procedure, so I am sure that didn’t hurt. ;-) When we arrived, Rocky and I took several photos in the waiting room, trying to document each step. We first met with our doctor in her office. She showed us the day 5 development of our little babies. The 2 we were going to implant had made it to the blastocyst stage and were rated: BLST 3BB. AA is the best grade, but my doctor said that the embryologist never gives a perfect grade so basically BB is the best score he gives. A good example of this is the APGAR score. Most babies never get a 10, even if they are perfect! This made me feel really good.

 There were 3 that had not made it to blastocyst stage and she was going to give them one more day to get there. Freezing, formally known as cryopreservation, has better success if they get to the blast stage first. The others would likely be frozen this afternoon. However, we will be saving all embryos that are alive no matter what grade they give them. We are just trying to give them the best shot at becoming children. It was funny because I was lying on the table when the embryologist came in and my doctor was informing him on our desires. I blurted out; we want to save any that are ALIVE no matter what. I didn’t want any confusion on this! It is the lower grade ones that may not be viable or implant, but that is for God to decide.

 They took me back and prepped me for the procedure and you have to have a full bladder. It wasn’t that bad. I was afraid my bladder wasn’t considered full because I actually had gone to the bathroom at 2:15, but they said it looked great! So, I was not that uncomfortable. As I was laying on the table waiting for the doctor, they handed me a photo of my two embryos and it was magnificent. I was glowing!!! When my doctor was perfectly ready to inject the embryos, here comes the embryologist with the tiniest catheter that was holding our angels. It was so crazy to see how tiny it was. They were suspended in fluid inside the catheter. CRAZY!!! I also got to see the white flecks in my uterus that were my babies via ultrasound. They looked so cozy in their home. They weelly wiked it in there. I hope it is no vacation home. I looked at them and said, “Hi friends”. I wasn’t crying, oddly enough. I think I had done enough of that yesterday. I was simply elated. I was cherishing every second.

I laid flat in recovery for 30minutes. The time just flew by. Rocky was so excited to see the photo. I came home and fell asleep for an hour. I think the valium did me some good after this whirlwind day. It would have been hard for Rocky to keep me glued to the couch otherwise. I think they were a little surprised I worked all day. I would rather work until the moment, and be able to relax afterwards. We went to celebrate by eating, of course! It was just a great day. I fell at peace today. No anxiety. Yay!

IVF #2 - Day 4 Post Retrieval

April 22^nd, 2012

All 7 are still alive.

4 - Grade 3.0
2 – Grade 2.5
1 – Grade 2.0

 Happy they are all still alive, but for some reason I was a little sad when I heard my message this morning. We may lose the grade 2.0 embryo. I pray that we do not. I do not know the cell number today. My initial reaction to the grades being lowered was worry, and it is still good news. I can’t figure out why I was a down. Maybe it is just the emotion of it all. All morning in church I was battling fear, anxiety, worry, etc. I wanted to know the outcome, but then I didn’t. I had anxiety and peace all at the same time. I know that Satan wants to rob me of joy today. All of the unknowns tumbled in on me this morning, out of nowhere. The desire to have a baby is always there. Most days now I do well, but some days I just fall apart out of sheer weakness. Emotional and mental exhaustion. All of the medicines do not help. Thankfully I finished my 2^nd round of steroids today. The 1^st steroid is a very small dose and taken with the injections. This 2^nd one is a higher dose, and taken during, and after retrieval. It is higher than some of the doses we have a brain tumor patients on. So, I am feeling a bit jittery from them. Hallelujah, I threw the bottle away this morning. The anticipation of tomorrow is definitely building. My Bible study group has just started our new study this week, and it is called, Anxious for Nothing by John MacArthur. Perfect timing!!! 

 Surrendering my desire to His will is a continual, daily process with some days being harder than others. I whole heartedly believe that His timing is perfect, and I want it no other way. However, my desire to have a newborn baby is beyond comprehension. I am so tired, emotionally. It is such a roller coaster. I think that this relates to any trial, just a different desire.

 I know I am probably rambling, but I am just writing as the feelings come. I told my husband as we were leaving church today that I do not know where I would be without Radcliffe. If you do not know who he is, this is my 1^st nephew. I say 1^st, because my sister is pregnant with my second! He was born December 30^th, 2010. When I think of him, my heart explodes with joy. The Lord put him in our lives at the perfect time. Having Rad around has carried me through some of my darkest days. Just to look at his photos, make my day a million times better.  Whenever I am having a sad day, wanting a child so badly, I watch his videos. I will cry and laugh because he is such an angel. I scroll through my phone to look at his sweet, hysterical face. I will not tell you how many photos/videos I have taken of him over the past 16 months of life. I got to hold him for several hours prior to his surgery when he was just 6 days old. I got to wake up in the middle of the night to feed him, and I cherished every minute. I knew that his life could be the closest I may get to a newborn that shares my blood. So, I tried to soak up every second.

 When I am with Radcliffe, I forget my trial. It is like a vacation from the pain and sadness. How amazing that the Lord loves me so much that He gave me Rad, at just the perfect time. I try to see him once every month or two. I can never thank my sister enough for letting me be so involved in his life from day one. I am sure there were times that she wanted to feed, bath, and hold him, but she would let me. I could never repay her for what she has given to me. My eyes are welling up as I write this, because I know that my God cares for me so much that he gave me this gift through my sister. She will never truly know what this has meant to me. The feeling is so deep in my heart; I could never convey it properly. I am so grateful that I was able to embrace Radcliffe with complete joy for my sister, because I could have never imagined how much I would need my Radcliffe in the months to come.

 I look back with slight anxiety at the thought, because I could have so easily chosen bitterness. Only by God’s grace did He keep me off the path of bitterness. To think I could have I missed the joy of his life makes me feel sick. My sister got pregnant her 1st month of marriage. Yep, she’s one of those! Sorry to ramble on about this, but this is such a huge part of my journey. We were so close to losing Radcliffe, so days like today, I find myself trying to dwell on the precious gift of Rad! My writing will always fall short when I talk about this. Words cannot express how I feel about this gift from God. Wow, I am already feeling better. Also, while I was writing, my best friend Jenn, texted me the funniest story. It is truly amazing what laughter does for your soul!

 My transfer is scheduled for tomorrow at 2:30pm. We will transfer 2 embryos and save the rest for later. I get to see Radcliffe this week, so I know I will be on cloud nine. Once again Lord, perfect timing. This seems to be the running theme today.

IVF #2 - Day 3 Post Retrieval

April 21, 2012

Here is the cell division schedule:

Day 0 - Retrieval Day

Day 1 - Fertilization Day / Conception - 1 cell

Day 2 - 2 to 4 cells

Day 3 - 8 cells

Day 4 - 16 to 32 cells

Day 5 - Cavitation and Blastocyst formation / Transfer Day

All 7 are still alive! Yay! I am still in shock that we have not lost any. Today is Day 3.

Day 3 Embryos

(2) 8 cell grade 4.0

(3) 8 cell grade 3.0

(1) 8 cell grade 2.5

(1) 5 cell grade 2.5

Day 2 Embryos( I didn’t have the cell numbers for our embryos when I posted yesterday)

(2) 4 cell grade 4.0

(2) 5 cell grade 3.0

(2) 4 cell grade 2.5

(1) 2 cell grade 2.5

 The cell number is equally as important as the grade. A day 3 embryo that is 8 cells, grade 3 is better than a day 3 that is 4 cells, grade 4. I also want to clarify that just because an embryo has a lower grade, this does not mean that it is abnormal. The grading scale tells them the odds of a successful implantation. A high grade embryo can still go on to have genetic abnormalities. Just as a low grade embryo can be completely normal and healthy. The grade of the embryo simply put, gives information about likeliness that implantation will occur, and if the embryo is likely to survive. At first, I thought, that the higher the grade the more normal. This is not the case. It is much more complex than this obviously, and I hope an embryologist is not reading my watered down version. LOL

 We are so grateful for each day that God has granted us life. I am a mother of 7 little ones. I may never meet them, but I have never been able to say this. Some women will never get to the point where I am today. We believe that life begins at conception, which occurred around 3 days ago. I pray for these little angels every day. I pray especially very hard for the one that is lagging behind. I want to meet all of them! I told Rocky yesterday, “We have 7 children in a dish”. He looked at me a little funny. Maybe because they are so very tiny and we are not physically connected to them. Maybe because the sound of 7 children, which is totally possible, is a little shocking. Not to me, I will take them all!!!! He then proceeded to say, “It will feel more like they are ours when you are pregnant”- which I totally understand and obviously that will make it more real to me too! However, he is so thrilled they are still alive, and that we are getting closer day by day. He has been such an angel during all of this.

 It has been very hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that they already have souls. If you believe in life at conception, then this is true. It is so amazing and crazy all at the same time. Most women never get to see their children at such an early age. It is truly a blessing. We made triple sure that our clinic understood that we will be saving any and all embryos that have not died on their own. I do not care if they are lower grade, if they are alive, we will transfer them sometime in the future. I have to take full responsibility for the lives we have created-even if it means having 7 children! We can’t go through all of this to create life, just to destroy some that do not look as good as the others. Only the Creator of life will decide which embryos will make it to implantation/pregnancy/birth. I have heard several stories where women had to use lower grade embryos and they went on to be beautiful, healthy children. Of course, we are thrilled to have all 7. (I know, you say…well wait until you have one). I have heard this more times than I care to count. What I mean, if that is what God has for us, than this is we want it.

 People used to have this many children and more all of the time. Our society today is much more inclined to view children as a burden rather than a complete gift from God. When you cannot have children, this fact is super irritating. So many women seemingly take their children for granite; I think this becomes so much more pronounced when you are unable to get pregnant. You think, I would do anything to have that "burden". I have learned to cherish every moment. I look at my nephew Radcliffe and I literally want to inhale him. (I am not a weirdo, just wanting to get across how much I love him. You cannot see my face so I have to provoke an extreme image :). I do not want to miss anything when I am with him. I used to be that girl that was always rushing to the next phase and when I arrived at my destination I couldn’t wait to get going again. Not anymore! There is so much life and so many memories around me just waiting to be soaked up every single day. I am trying to be more and more sponge like. I am so grateful that the Lord chose to teach me this before making me a mother. I would have lived with a lot of regret because I would have been that mother wishing my child’s life away. I would have always been looking to the next stag.

 Realistically, even if you use all 7, they will not all end in live births. That is why I am all about the more the merrier. I would love one day to look at my day 3, 5 cell, grade 2.5 embryo and see him all grown up. “You are perfect in every way, and somehow you are smarter than all the other kids. And just to think, they said you were 'lower grade'.” And yes, I see him as a boy. You know….how boys mature slower than girls! LOL! Hey, I have to have a little fun! I think, A LOT!!!

 I told my dad today that I am so thrilled to be a mother today. No matter what happens, this is more than I have ever known and my heart is full! Even if I do not meet them on this earth, one day I will meet them in Heaven. I have the privilege of saying that I was a mother to 7 little friends that were created by Rocky and I through God. Because I have been in the place where I have asked God, "If I could just be pregnant once... just to say that I have been pregnant, even if I have a miscarriage". I became so desperate and ready to settle for anything. Through that, He brought me to a place where I started to become fulfilled with just the smallest of victories, the smallest of gifts. This has been one of the greatest joys and lessons on this infertility journey. To be content with the smallest of blessings. I still have so many other areas to implement this in, but with this, I am truly overwhelmed with anything extra that I receive. Getting to this point has been such a relief and joy. I can’t put it into words. I feel like I have already won! I know there is a long way to go, but I try to only stay in today. Of course, I day dream down the road but only for a little a bit at a time. Otherwise, I will get WAY too carried away. I have just focused on how amazing life is in the present. How complex the process of life is and how all of us started out this same way. It is so cool! We are getting to watch something unfold that it usually tucked away in secrecy. It has revealed even more to me that we did not get here merely by chance - that there is a definite Designer and Creator of all life.

 The next two days are very crucial. I have a close friend who found out the morning of her transfer that all of her embryos had died overnight. Devastating news. I know that this is a definite possibility, and I am not guaranteed a transfer. That is why I am enjoying each day, but knowing that I am not promised anything outside of today! Until tomorrow!

IVF #2 - 7 Embryos, All Still Alive.

April 20, 2012

All seven are still alive!
2 grade 4
2 grade 3
3 grade 2.5

Grade 4 is considered the highest grade in our clinic. I am overwhelmed and grateful!