January
8th, 2013
I have not
blogged in a while because after our negative pregnancy test I needed to move
forward. Most of the time writing helps, but this time it just served as a sad
reminder. I am going to try to recap the past 8 months just writing as it comes
to mind. So, please ignore any and all grammatical errors. J I really wish
cthere was time to have my Dad proofread, but the last time I sent him 4 pages
to look at he sent it back with 100 balloons attached! We had a big laugh about
it.
I left for the
beach about a week after our negative test. It was great timing. I spent many
days staring out into the ocean wondering what God’s plan for our family was. I
just had to push through the pain, one day at a time. Radcliffe’s sweet little
face really helped! Now, Mother’s Day was quite horrible. The amount of
different emotions that come crashing down on you is simply overwhelming. I
wanted to stay in bed, alone, all day. Of course, I couldn’t and shouldn’t.
There is such a struggle because I wanted to celebrate my mom and Rad’s mom,
but everywhere you go and everyone you talk to says…”Happy Mother’s Day” (said
with sarcastic voice). I wanted a sign that stated, “not a mother, but
thanks for the reminder”. It didn’t help matters that my failed IVF was
only 10 days prior. Growing pains. Each Mother’s Day has become increasingly
more difficult.
The first
Mother’s Day was in 2009, we had only been trying for 4 months. Piece of cake.
Easy Breezy. Second one was in 2010 my sister was about 7 weeks pregnant. I
spent that Mother’s Day trying to make her feel special about motherhood. The
best way for me to get over myself was to focus on my sister and my nephew! And
I was going to be an aunt!
Third one was in
2011, 29 months into out infertility journey. I was totally unprepared for the
FLOOD of emotions - the good, the bad, and the ugly. We were in Norman and as
my father began to preach about mothers I begin to shed the tears. I had so
much to be grateful for, but I also felt the pain and emptiness of not being a
mother myself. As I looked at my dad and the man He became totally against the
odds, I was overcome with gratitude to the Lord for making Him my daddy and
that my dad had chosen to follow Christ with everything. He did not have a
mother, which lead to think about my own mother. She sacrificed everything, all
of her own wants, plans, and desires for us. Then I look down at my 5 month old
nephew who is sleeping in his car seat. He had survived 7 heart defects and as
chink as ever. I was sitting next to my sister and I so grateful for
Radcliffe’s life and that my sister was still a mother. I was so grateful in
that moment that I even had a mother, much less that the Lord gave me the Godly
mother that he did, and that in His Sovereign plan He allowed Radcliffe to
remain in our lives thus keeping my sister a mommy. I tried to stay focused on
these things, but the sadness was completely overwhelming. I wanted to die. I
wanted to get out from the pain. The last thing you want to do is ruin your
family’s day. They deserved to have a good day.
This year’s was
41 month in and it was brutal. It takes a lot for me to want to hide in a room
alone, but today was that day. Every time someone repeats those dreaded words
the dagger goes a little deeper. I spent the entire day just trying to hold
myself together, trying to hold back the tears. It was exhausting. I cried
several times when I was alone because I just didn’t want everyone else to be
sad too. Not only was it Mother’s Day, but it was also their vacation! I
remember specifically wanting to punch the host at dinner that night when he
said, “Happy Mother’s Day”. I wanted to SCREAM, “I am not a mother, but thanks
for the reminder buddy”. I felt angry!
I was ready to
move forward as quickly as possible. I had already gathered the schedules for
the next several IVF cycles. Rocky and I decided that we would like to do the
September cycle. I met with my RE at the end of May and after looking over
everything she strongly recommended that we repeat the septated surgery and
removed the remaining septum. Even though my remaining septum was less than 2
cm, she said she could not help but wonder if this was a participating factor
in my failed IVF. In that moment I felt crushed, like I had gone back in time,
lost 2 whole years. I was devastated. I was right back where we started. I
always feel like I am taking one step forward just to take a million backwards.
She wanted to do the surgery in July, which was almost 2 years to the day. It
was total déjà vu and not in a good way. This meant there would be no cycle in
September. She recommended I waited at least 3-4 cycles to give the uterine
wall multiple cycles of thickening and shedding to ensure adequate blood flow
to that section. It was just more bad news on top of more bad news. I knew that
she was right, but I didn’t like it. I felt like I had just been punched in the
stomach. Everything was always a delay!
The place where
the septum attaches to the uterine wall has zero blood supply; the blood supply
in the uterine wall gradually decreases as you approach the septum. So, it is
possible that the little tiny embryos tried to attach near the septum and there
would still not be enough blood supply so sustain life. The inside of the
uterus is a very small space so even if you tried to place the embryos towards
the front, which she did, there is no way to guarantee that this is where they
will remain.
Two years ago,
during my septated removal post-op appointment, my RE said that she wants to go
back in and remove the remaining portion. Even though it looks like she had
removed most of it, and the remaining portion was only around 1.6cm. She said
that statistically women still get pregnant with this and the standard is
anything under 2cm does not have to be removed unless multiple miscarriages. However,
she wanted it gone because she said when we do an IVF cycle I will lay awake at
night wondering if that embryo is going to try to attach to that portion. My
mind was telling me to go ahead. This was my doctor’s recommendation, but for
whatever reason the Great Physician was telling me no. I know without a doubt
that the Lord said, “Do not do another surgery”. I just didn’t know that He
only meant “not right now”. Of course we prayed about it, but I just knew that
we were not supposed to do it. So we didn’t. I still do not know the reason
that the Lord closed that door only to open the same door 2 years later. I may
never know. But as I walked out of my doctor’s office in tears because my/our
plans were being changed, yet again, I knew deep down that the Lord was doing
something bigger in my life and my husband’s life. I didn’t have all of the
answers and I was crushed, but one thing I knew for sure that the Lord had
guided us back to where we had begun two years prior. I completely trust that
God is good and faithful. He answers prayer, but in His timing and sovereign
and omniscient power, knowing what was best for us.
The greatest
lesson I learned here was to allow the Lord to lead all of your decisions, even
if it goes against your knowledge, against medical advice, or any advice for
that matter; because if you don’t, hind sight becomes your worst enemy.
Inevitably in our limited knowledge we will either make the wrong decision and
spend forever regretful, or make the right decision but spend forever second
guessing whether it was right or not -woulda, shoulda, coulda syndrome. I am
not saying it was easy. I shed many tears over this setback, but I was spared
the woulda, shoula, coulda, syndrome because I rested 100% in the fact that the
Lord closed that door and re-opened it 2 years later. I do not know the reason,
but I do know that His plan always has our best interest at heart so it must be
for a great reason. I just had to push forward. The one thing I do know is that
I will be a better mother today than I would have been 2 years ago.
My surgery went
very well. My septum was actually larger than it appeared on ultrasound and
hard as a rock. The surgery took much longer than she expected because of the
calcification that had occurred on my remaining septum. She wasn’t even able to
use the instrument she had planned on, but instead she had to literally chip
away at it like you would a rock! WOW!
Shortly after my
surgery my second nephew was born, Winston Augustus Crosby. I was able to spend
7 weeks, off and on, with my sister and her boys. What a joy!
During the mist
of my fertility treatments this year God was also doing something else in a
different area. At the end of last year I started volunteering at Hope
Pregnancy Center, but then took a break during my IVF cycles in the spring. I
had basically only been there long enough to shadow and train. They
specifically wanted me to attend an ultrasound training course, but the next
one was not until September. They needed nurses/PA’s to perform their limited
obstetric ultrasounds. I kept feeling the Lord pulling me back to this center.
I wasn’t doing anything outside myself, my family, or work. I knew this was
wrong, but I kept coming up with the best reasons to put it off just a little
longer. And oh did I come up with some good ones. Examples: I am too stressed
out, no time, emotionally drained, seeing pregnant people will just be to
hard(that was a good one), etc.. The above were all true, but none of them
mattered. God does not ask us to only serve when life is stress free because
when would that be?!?!?! I would also wonder is this really from God, is
this really the right time? I would constantly try to put it out of my mind,
but it always came back. After my surgery I started to do the math, by math I
mean calculating the next cycle, due dates etc. I do very little of this
calculating these days because obviously my plans mean nothing. However, this
time God spoke directly to me through dates and timing. I love being talked to
through numbers of any kind. Hopefully, I can spell this out without too much
confusion. If we had not needed another surgery we would have been on the
September cycle with a transfer most likely around September 20th-24.
This happens to be the same weekend of the closest ultrasound training course
in Joplin, MO. There were a couple other courses, but they were in Virginia and
would cost our center a lot more money. Secondly, they ask that you sign a year
contract because of the funds that are used to train you properly. One year
later would in September obviously. The next IVF cycle that we would be one
would be in mid/late December, which would put our due date around late
August/early September. When these two things lined up, I knew exactly what the
Lord was telling me. It was amazing that He cared this much to make it so
clear. There was no denying this any longer. Of course, I still called my dad
and asked what he thought of all my thoughts. I will never forget his words. He
said, “make a list of all the pros and cons and if the con list only list
selfish/self-serving reasons then you’ll have your answer.” I did not even have
to make that list, I already knew the reasons and none of them were going to
hold up. I think part of me called my dad because once I said everything out
loud to him I knew that I would be accountable to do something. I have watched
my parents serve the Lord everyday for 33 ½ years. My dad also said to me, I
would rather make the mistake of serving the Lord in an area to later find out
God didn’t want me there, than to make the mistake of not serving at all. He
also said that your mother and I have never regretted for one moment serving
the Lord, even at times when our tanks were low. I did feel like my tank was
running on fumes, but the Lord doesn’t ask us to do anything that He will not
give us the strength to do.
Sadly, God had
put this on my heart a couple years back and I had procrastinated until finally
I could no longer run. This year the burden to serve in this center was greater
than ever. To quantify, a couple years ago it had been at a whisper and now it
was at scream. I knew I would not be in the will of God if I didn’t
commit and move on. I kept thinking, if I die tonight, how much have I really
done for the kingdom? It was a sickening feeling. I knew the Lord had put
this on my heart for a reason and I just had to do it.
I definitely
thought it was ironic that the one thing I would be doing was the one thing
that I had desperately been trying to achieve. I was going to be face to face
with many women who did not even want to be pregnant. If the Lord was asking me
to do this, He must be preparing me for something, strengthening me in Him.
Once I committed
to the center I felt so light, a great burden had been lifted off my chest. The
training in Joplin was more than just training; it was a total blessing in my
life. The Lord was definitely at work at that center and the Joplin community
was seeing Christ through their service. I had a peace that even though it was
not my plan to postpone treatment, it was definitely God’s plan.
It took me
several months to feel “normal” again. January through May I had been on
hormone medication. It is amazing how long it takes your body to return to
normal. By late August I finally felt like myself again. It was a very hard
several months, not feeling in control of your emotions or moods. I was very
excited to be medication free until November. Of course that was shattered when
they told me I would have to start medication early October for a December
cycle. To be quite honest, I was crushed. I finally felt mentally normal and
the thought of starting these medications 6 weeks sooner than I had prepared
myself for was very difficulty. I know it sounds small, but I was so tired,
mentally exhausted, and just wanted to feel normal a little longer.
This past fall
was the hardest few months of my life. The 4 long years of infertility seem to
be caving in on me. I did not want to go through another cycle. I didn’t know
how I would survive another failed cycle. I kept telling my husband, “what’s
the point; I am just buying more heartache”. I didn’t feel like I had the
strength to continue. I felt like I was literally falling apart every other
day. These thoughts came in waves, good days and bad days. To be quite honest,
there were many moments of many days that I literally didn’t want to be here
anymore. No, I wasn’t suicidal! It was just that the pain was so deep and had
gone on for so long that I really just wanted to go on to Heaven to get out
from under the pain. It was also a sweet moment, to actually long to be home in
Heaven. There were some days when I was doing the ultrasounds at the pregnancy
center and would literally hold back the tears. I had to completely separate my
life from their life. I wanted what they had and I am sure some of them wanted
something that I had. Good news is that the Lord saw me through the dark
valleys.
I was completely
shocked about the amount of things that you still had to do for frozen embryo
transfer. There were still shots, pills, patches, etc. I started estrogen pills
along with lupron shots in October, by mid-November I started estrogen patches
increasing up to 4 every other day, baby aspirin, pre-natal, estrace pill, and
by early December the dreaded progesterone injections. I never talked about
these in the spring, but I think I will write about them later in honor of all
IVF women out there.
Our frozen
embryo transfer was performed on December 11th and 2 precious babies
were placed in their home. Both embryos survived the thaw and one was already
hatching out which is the stage prior to implantation. We named him Hatchy and
the other one Blasty. I will try to upload a picture. I was able to see them as
they were transferred into my uterus. They looked like to bright white bouncy
little dots. It was totally amazing!!!!
I was instructed
to “rest” for the next few days. I do not really like being told to rest, but I
did it. My 1000 piece puzzle kept me sane. No lifting over 10lbs, cool showers,
and lots of lying down. If I even lifted my leg to high Rocky was “speaking
loudly” at me. LOL I did follow all the rules. This wait was the longest
2 weeks of my life. Last IVF cycle I was actually in New Mexico so it flew by.
The good news is
that we are finally pregnant! WOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Praise Jesus! My
beta-hCG(blood) test was scheduled for the end of the following week. I had
done some reading and decided that I would start doing home pregnancy test on
the Monday following my transfer. So, basically 6 days past a 5 day transfer.
Rocky thought I should wait until the blood test, but there was no way I could
wait another day. Last cycle I was afraid to take a home test and this time I
felt a great peace. In all 4 years this was our first EVER positive pregnancy
test. It was faint, but there were definitely 2 lines! It was surreal. I felt
like I was watching myself from a distance as if it were someone else’s test.
Rocky was ecstatic. I took several more that week just for the sheer joy of
watching the lines show up. This was such an answer to prayer. I had prayed
many times if I could just get pregnant, even if it led to miscarriage, just so
I can at least say that I have been pregnant. I finally beat that digital test
that was always telling me “NOT PREGNANT”. My beta blood test came back and
confirmed what we had hoped and it was 161.
A week later by
second blood test showed my hCG at 3700!!!
A week later we
had our first ultrasound……. And there were 2 babies. Did you hear me
correctly?!?!?! God has given us two babies so far. We just found out yesterday
and it is still just a dream. I am hoping to be able to upload some US photos
of the twins. It was still SHOCKING, even when we knew it was a possibility.
There are so many more thoughts and details that I want to write about, but can
barely think straight or concentrate right now. I will post some of them later.
I wanted to blog about this sooner, but the holidays postponed me blogging!
What I do want
to say is that God is good and He is
faithful. He answers prayers, but in His perfect timing. He taught us
many invaluable things over the past four, long, hard years, but I wouldn’t
trade any of it because of where He has brought us today.
I will add some
more updates as they come in. Thank you guys so much for all of your support,
prayers, and encouraging words.
