WAITING GAME.......IVF #7

SO….I just couldn’t help myself and had to use an egg/sperm image! I could hardly choose just one!!!(tried to pick one that wouldn't flip people out on their news feed!LOL!!!!) Have you ever seen sperm under a microscope? Really the cutest thing you’ve ever seen. (maybe not the cutest, but it is up there). YOu'll find yourself talking to them, telling them where to go, and rooting them on!!! HAHAHA!!! (Maybe only medical people do this. what weirdos! ;-) )

We are four days into the “waiting game”. Anyone who has done IVF knows this little “game” all too well!!! I have actually gotten a little used to it. I still think about it everyday. I still pray everyday for those little babies, but I can’t control it. God does. He already knows the outcome and fretting only robs today of it’s joy and precious moments. I know you might think….”easy for you to say now that you have babies". BUT….I can honestly say, I didn’t learn that after having my babies. I learned it and CHOSE it before I had them. I was consumed and not living, trying to control something that I couldn’t. Let me tell you, If you aren’t content with exactly what God has give you at any given moment, you won’t be content with more. I still struggle with this in other areas. There will always be something else. I am genuinely content with the boys I have because I became grateful for what God had given me before I had them. NOT that it was easy, or without pain and lots of tears. Otherwise, it wasn’t living and one day I would regret that too. I would regret all that I had let pass by. I can tell you what fretting and worrying definitely DO NOT do….change the outcome. So thankful I learned that. It's freeing!!! It is true peace and comes from Christ! No matter what you are going through, you can find contentment with gratitude. It is AMAZINg how it changes your heart. (warning…..not an easy filter to be put through….BUT oh so worth it!!!!) I read a book called, “Choosing Gratitude”! WOW!!!! Realized how ungrateful I was in general!!

Out of 11 eggs. 10 were useable and out of the 10, 5 fertilized. I would take ALL five, but odds are that 1 good one comes from the 5. Just like when you try to get pregnant and it takes you a few months. Same thing, some may have fertilized, but never made it past day 1, 2 or 5 so you try again the next month none the wiser. This happens every month and to every women(well most)!

Anyone who goes through this knows that you could get that call on day 5(6 since retrieval) that no embryos made it, but why dwell on that! If we get ONE good embryo, we will be SO thankful. TWO and we will be ECSTATIC. THREE and I will be COMPLETELY shocked!!! Odds are 1-2 good ones.

A little perspective: In my first IVF cycle when I was 32 years old, we retrieved 13 eggs and 9 fertilized and we ended up with 5 GREAT embryos and TWO perfect boys!!! The other three didn't take. Egg quality diminishes as you age. Now, at 37/38, I have been averaging 1 really good embryo. That is how much fertility changes from 32 to 38!!!! Thank you modern medicine!!! And Dr. McKinney!!!!! You're the BEST!!!! This lady even shed tears with me after the retrieval!!!! A rare find in a doctor!!!

IVF #5: 13 eggs, 3 embryos, but only 1 really good, 1 average, and 1 not so good at all. We put him in anyway!
IVF #6: 7 eggs, 1 really good embryo frozen. YAY!!! (one better than none)
IVF #7: Current cycle: 11 eggs, 5 fertilized....waiting on embryo status.

If you know someone going through IVF for the first time, you can know that they have been through months and years of other fertility treatments, surgeries, IUI, tests, lab sticks, clomid, more lab sticks, shots, meds, and worst years of there infertility. We had multiple appointments, two surgeries, many tests, IUI's, and clomid to name a few!!! I think people here someone is starting IVF and we think that it is the beginning…..when someone tells me they are starting IVF……my heart breaks because I know the pain they have endured to get to that point. <3

The Final Rose!!!! This made me laugh!!!!

hjhjkhj

We've Got EGGS!!!!!

EGGS!!! We retrieved 11 eggs yesterday. Just shy of a dozen! YAY!!!!! Now, they need to find their “special” friend and become one which hopefully has already hapenned! This is the important part. As you age, your egg quality diminishes and being 38 in fertility in getting “old”. Just the facts. To put it into perspective……..when I have my first retrieval (2nd IVF cycle, 1st was cancelled due to min. follicles) we got 13 eggs and 5 AMAZING embryos and out of that the most perfect little boys you’ve ever seen!! Now, at 37/38 we have gotten around 1 embryo per cycle! That is why we are currently banking our embryos because every day gone by is another day your eggs have aged. We hope to get to four and then start trying to get pregnant. Our last retrieval in December we got 7 eggs and one embryo, so we were very happy!!!! Every cycle is different. So many variables! And now......the waiting game. 

Convo with the twins tonight:
Hewitt: Why are you going to the doctor like everyday? DO you have oowie?
Me: We are trying to have more brothers and sisters.
Hewitt: (eyes really big) REALLY?! I want sisters, brothers, and another Hewitt
Me: I would LOVE another Hew Bear.
Harry: (chimes in) I want bruddies, sisters, and TWO mommies.
Me: NO….I am your ONLY mommy. EVER.
Get it right bud!! LOL!!!

Here is my IVF history: Really for those who are going through it!! I LOVED reading the data when I started this journey!

1. 1st IVF 2011 - cancelled due to low follicles
2. 2nd IVF 2011 - 2 embryos transferred, failed: 13 eggs retrieved, 5 embryos, 3 embryos frozen including my Hew and Harry!!
3. 3rd IVF 2012 - 2 Frozen embryos- twins boys.
4. 4th IVF 2015 - “Last”. Our last remains embryo transferred. 2nd + pregnancy test EVER, ended blighted ovum miscarriage.
5. 5th IVF 2016 - 13 eggs, 3 embryos transferred. Only one was truly viable, we believe in life at conception so we took all three!! God is in control of the babies that live or die!
6. 6th IVF 2016 - 7 eggs, one embryo frozen. No transfer.
7. 7th IVF 2017- 11 eggs, WAITING to see how many babies!!!

I'm not going to lie, it feels a little vulnerable to be writing about this again( a little uncomfortable...or a lot). There is a part of you that just wants to keep it all to yourself. Maybe to avoid judgement or particular comments, BUT I know God has put it on my heart for a reason. So, I write for those who feel like they cannot share. For those who feel they don't have a voice about their pain. For those surrounded by those who sneeze and get pregnant. Most people I have met who struggle with infertility keep quiet and never really talk about their pain. The reasons for that are for another post. It is ok to share and in reality is is therapeutic to say it out loud and not keep it bottled inside! <3

<3

IVF #7 - In The Middle of This Again!!!!!!

In the middle of this again and our retrieval is set for tomorrow. Today, was my last day of being a human pin cushion....for now. Don't worry...it is for a really good cause. 🤗 I reluctantly share this ugly photo of my stomach, but it is just real life. Yes, it is only a few bruises and there are BY far worse medical treatments, but motherhood generally happens pain free for most. So, I don't share for anyone to ever feel sorry for me. I am on the journey that God gave me. I share this part because I want those out there who don't feel like they can share, or that anyone around them understands. You are not alone. ❤️

I lay here wondering what God’s plan is, but also knowing that His plan is perfect. I hesitate to even write about it because on one hand I have two perfect babies that God gave me and everything He has given me is ALL I need. I never want to come across as ungrateful. I never want those who are still struggling to even get pregnant to ever be hurt by my words. I remember wanting to be pregnant so bad and as I was talking to a mother holding her child, she would say, “I know what you are going through. We haven’t been able to get pregnant again.” Well meaning of course, but I promised myself i would never say that to anyone without children. That is one of the reasons I rarely write about this journey anymore. I don’t know if that is right or not, but I have been on that side and the pain is SO extreme that I could not bare to think that my words caused someone without children anymore pain, even if just a little bit. So if you are still struggling to even get pregnant once, or your time has passed, please know that I write this part in tears. I know your pain is the greatest and a void will likely always remain. I no longer live in that world. It isn’t the same to have children and want more, as it is to want even one. I have been there too, praying for just one positive test, even if I never bring home a baby. That is how desperate you get, you will start settling for anything related to motherhood to happen to you. Please know, that I am praying for you, even though I do not know you. There is not a day that goes by that I do not look at my Hew and Harry and realize what I have been given that so many are still wanting so badly. The surgeries, the shots, the hormones, the appointments, disappointments, cost, emotions, the planning, the pain, more shots, the isolation, loneliness and sheer devastation with every failed attempt.....only to come up empty handed. So many things that those around you cannot understand unless they have lived through it. Just like with any painful thing in life. Through this struggle I learned to never try to relate to someone, and what they are/or have gone through if I have not gone though it myself. It is ok to say, “I have no idea the pain you must be feeling.” It goes a long way. I am SO thankful that infertility taught me this as I meet others who are struggling with something else. We all walk through painful things, might as well learn everything you can to be better!!

On the other hand, I want more babies. I avoid even thinking about babies, pregnancy, newborn, etc……the pain of it never coming true again is too hard so avoidance is just easier. We have lived this journey now for 9 years. Crazy to think it has been that long, so long it has just become a part of our lives. I do not know if God’s plan is to give us more children biologically, but I do know that He has us right were we are suppose to be, and there is a reason that He can use for good even if the outcome is not want we want.

I do believe in the power of prayer. And we are praying for multiple, healthy babies! Odds are, we will be fortunate to get one at 38-I may feel young, but my eggs say otherwise 🙄. This will be our 2nd banking cycle, but 4th IVF cycle since the twins. We have one little friend frozen in time waiting for his/her moment to shine!!! To make a long story short, we are banking embryos at this time and will not be transferring fresh ones. Hew and Harry were frozen and they have been my only pregnancy. Except one miscarriage, but that was also from a frozen cycle! I won’t bore you with the medical details! But your prayers for little miracles will be welcome and cherished!!!! So thankful to live here, in this country, with access to modern medicine! I would never have Hew and Harry living in most countries around the globe! And specifically for Dr. Shauna McKinney for being the best!!! So thankful for your knowledge and wisdom and actually caring so much about your patients!! 🙏🏼