February 28th, 2012
This entire day I have been struggling to live today. Even though, "bringing God glory over bringing me a baby" is what I truly meant. It was tested yesterday and to a lesser degree today. I do have moments of fear of what is to come, can I handle it? I started looking ahead, in my weakness, I feel scared. I feel dread. Then I remember to live today. When I start thinking on the things that are not or the things to come; I often ask, will it get better or will it get worse? Where is the end? I literally feel myself sinking. I have learned to catch myself before I fall too far, refocusing on the goodness of Jesus and His promises. My flesh wants to dwell in what might happen, what should have happened, and what hasn't happen. My spirit wants to move forward. To be grateful for what I do have, which is a lot! I had to implement my coping mechanisms that the Lord has taught me over the past few years. My coping mechanisms are things I have learned that help me when I am weak. They help me to get my focus back on track as quickly as possible. When I say "I use" these learned mechanisms, what I really mean is by sheer grace alone, I have no capacity to implement or muster enough strength on my own.
I cannot dwell in the pain of never being pregnant, never getting to go through delivery, never feeling the kicks, never seeing my baby on US, never having a 2 year old look me in the eye and say I love you. I cannot dwell on the fact that I may never know what our child would look like. I have to stay in today because I am useless dwelling in the future, or the past; although the draw of the future is so strong. My brother ‘n’ law told me that Satan wants you in the past, preferably in the future, but definitely out of the present. Satan wants you to place all of your hopes and dreams on things to come, so that when it doesn't work out, you remain in a perpetual state of disappointment and devastation. I cannot survive in this state, much less bring God Glory!
Do not get me wrong, I am very sad. I feel subdued and disappointment but, it is easier today than it was yesterday. Happily, I can honestly tell you that I am not as sad as I was the day I found out I had a big ole septated uterus or that 3 rounds of clomid didn't work. Or, when I learned I had a large ovarian cyst that popped up after my septate removal. Right when I was about to start trying to get pregnant, I had to go on birth control to suppress it. All of these were more devastating than the news I received yesterday, when the opposite should have rang true. There is only one reason for this, the strength of Christ. I am totally incapable of making it through on my own strength and will. Lord knows I have tried. I am a pro at "leaning" on my own perfect knowledge!
5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart
And do not lean on your own understanding.
6 In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He will make your paths straight.
Proverbs 3:5-6
This past 3 years has been a training course, a preparation to deal with more difficult trials that lay ahead. Like the one yesterday, and last week. My hope in the past was in everything of the world, knowledge, medicine, family, self; and none of it was in what the Lord had planned for my life. I had to literally train myself, by God's grace alone, to place my hope in His ways and plan only. In the past, I have literally been totally devastated when something I had hoped for did not pan out. I look back, and see how all of my faith was actually in things, people, circumstances, and situations. This was much more difficult news to swallow, but my hope is not in IVF. Of course, I was hopeful, but I am not devastated. The Lord has protected me from unnecessary devastation, bitterness, and anger. He wants to do the same for all of His children; we are just so darn stubborn. If I was devastated about this, then what would I be if my entire family perished in a plane crash tomorrow? Would that also be devastation? Not even comparable. Two things that have helped me over the past three years have been my "coping mechanisms". Basically, these are strategies I was forced to develop to keep me from myself. When I refer to myself in the context of doing anything good, please insert, by the grace of God alone.
First, I start listing all of the things God has given me, all of the blessings, everything that I am grateful for. I hated doing this at first. I felt like I was giving up my God-given right to complain, sulk, and be angry. You know, it's in the Bible somewhere. Beware! If you are anything like me, it will be extremely difficult at first. A battle of the wills. I had to fight against every fiber of my being. I did not want to be grateful in those particular moments. I would start listing my blessings while grinding my teeth! However, over time it got easier and easier. It is amazing how fast your attitude will change. Finally, last Thursday it was easier to be grateful than to complain. Totally amazing. I took me three years to get to this point. I had a lot of "me" to overcome, aka - my little friend pride.
Second coping mechanism I have learned is to think of other trials that would be worse than the one of I am currently going through. I would drum up all kinds of situations that I definitely didn't want to come into my life. Trials are coming! There is no such thing as a trial free life. My dad tells me, "You are either heading to, in one, or coming out of a trial". They affect us all. If I was complaining about this trial, what trial would I want to replace it with? I would list all of the things in my head that would be worse. I have to admit, I found tons of scenarios that would inflict far greater pain. Before I knew it, I was thankful for the one God has given to me today.
Lastly, I am not angry at God and I do not ask, why me. Because, why not me? There are so many things worse than this. I cannot ask those questions at every little thing that comes into my life that I hate. If my family were to die prematurely, then I would have to fight not to be angry, or ask why me. That would be something for me to be devastated by. I have tried to learn the art of putting life's trials in their proper place with regards to horribleness. I learned this from my dad. I would describe everything bad, as horrible. He told me, "Natalie, if everything is horrible, than the word has no meaning." Stubbing my toe was horrible, along with a plane crash that killed an entire family. I do not know if any of this makes sense. I am probably rambling, but that's all I've got right now! My thoughts seem unclear, and scattered. I have sung this song my entire life, and it really had little meaning to me in the past. God is graciously showing me truth and peace in these lyrics more each day. I need the humility, to get the grace, to get the strength to trust in You.
When we walk with the Lord, in the light of His Word, what a glory He sheds on our way!
While we do His good will, He abides with us still, and with all who will trust and obey.
Trust and obey, for there's no other way to be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey.
Not a burden we bear, not a sorrow we share, but our toil he doth richly repay;
not a grief or a loss, not a frown or a cross, but is blest if we trust and obey.
But we never can prove the delights of His love until all on the altar we lay;
for the favor He shows, for the joy He bestows, are for them who will trust and obey.
Then in fellowship sweet we will sit at his feet, or we'll walk by His side in the way;
what He says we will do, where He sends we will go; never fear, only Trust and Obey.
You guys will never know the source of strength your encouraging words have provided me. I didn't even know I needed it. Thankfully, the Lord did!
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