IVF #1 - Live Today

February 26^th, 2012

Day 9: 2/25. Repeat morning ritual. I woke up this morning singing out loud, again. I was singing, There will be a day, with no more tears, no more pain, we’ll see Jesus face to face. Those words kept coming to me out of the blue, all day; and I would belt it out loud. Just so you know why this is odd, I DO NOT wake up singing. It brought me peace and comfort even though I wasn’t crying, and didn’t even feel like crying. I think it was God’s way of keeping me in His presence, to keep me looking up, to keep me rejoicing, to keep me from going down the “what if” road before our US. I wondered to myself, why that song? Oh well, doesn’t matter, and I just kept on singing!

 On a side note, I just have to tell a funny story revealing the differences between Rocky and I. As we are driving to the doctor’s office, I am a little apprehensive, just trying to focus on being prepared to handle whatever the news is, kind of in deep thought. My husband on the other hand is pointing out various landmarks on our drive, while I try to act interested in the newest Jiffy Lube being built. Then, while we are at the doctor’s office waiting he points out the rubber baseboard and how you can tell where the cord rubbed against it while they were vacuuming; and how great the carpet was they chose because it didn’t show wear patterns, or dirt. He also point out the metal switches in the room… I kind of checked out on this one. In my head I am thinking, how could he be thinking about these things, as I try to stay calm??? I kindly asked him to please quit pointing out things in the room because it is making me a nervous wreck! We then started to laugh, because we are so different. The fact that I was actually able to laugh really showed me that God was right there with me. I cannot expect him to feel the same, or to respond the same as me! He is so optimistic and generally happy all the time. Thank goodness we are not both like me.

 The doctor comes in and does the US. Everything is basically the same. My left ovary still only has 3 follicles, a small, a medium, and a large one. This is my puny ovary. The right had around 8 follicles, which isn’t bad, but they are still at different growth phases. I had 1 extra-large~ 23mm, 1 large, 4 medium, 3 small. She said the left was about the same, but the right ovary definitely looked fuller and there was growth. I could tell myself that it was bigger. She said I will have to look at your estrogen levels today, and see what it tells me about the follicles. My ling was great! Woo Hoo!!!  I specifically asked her, “so all hope is not lost?” She replied, “no, not yet”. She said to call your PRN line around lunch to see where we stand. I was happy because we weren’t throwing in the towel just yet. I just took it for what it was, and moved on. Tomorrow is a new day, and anything can change.

 My instructions were to continue with the same regimen. My E2 levels were 2117ng/ml, which is excellent! I have had problems in the past with low estrogen, so this made me smile. J  My normal self would be looking up every scenario that was remotely similar to mine, trying to find some sort of peace in the information I may, or may not find. Not today, I am resting in the peace that the outcome has already been set long ago. It didn’t matter what my dearest friend Google said. I had a personal, trusting relationship with the creator of the guys who created Google! WOW! Now, I am not advocating ignorance, and research is good. Believe me, Google and I are like family. But, there comes a time, when you have to lay it at the feet of Jesus, putting your calculations and planning aside. We all know, deep in our heart, when that time comes. For me, it is now. Well, actually it was a long time ago, but I ignored it! I don’t advise this, it will make you Le Miserable. If this cycle does get cancelled, it was not God’s plan for me to have a baby in November 2012. I trust in that.

I am in a Bible study with my cousin Melissa and best friend Jenn. We are currently doing a precept course through the book of John. I was doing my Bible study today in chapter 18. We are at the part where Jesus is about to be betrayed. He is praying in the garden why the disciples are supposed to be on the lookout- slash- sleeping. How could they fall asleep? Then I had a flood of memories listing all of the times I have “fallen asleep” on Christ.

 The things that struck me the most was the cross reference in Matthew 26:39,42. My commentary states that he was terrified, extreme anguished, grieved to the point that He could pass away. I tried to imagine what things could happen in my life to make me feel so much grief that I could die. All because He was going to bear the wrath of God in its entirety for my sin, all sin. He asked His Father if there was any other way, is it possible for this cup to pass; immediately followed with, but your will Father, not mine. This was such a much needed, perfect example to me of what pure, sinless, humility and submission looks like. He did it for me. He is perfect and He still did it. Who am I to demand, control, manipulate for my way, my will. I felt really small, embarrassed, undeserving, and disgust with myself, but I also felt extreme gratitude, special, loved beyond my imagination, loyalty. What I did in the past is wiped away, only my choice to take different steps matter. I have a choice today. Live in today Natalie! I have to keep telling myself that statement because, once a lover of all details in advance please, always one.   

 ³⁹ And He went a little beyond them, and fell on His face and prayed, saying, “My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from Me; yet not as I will, but as You will.”

⁴² He went away again a second time and prayed, saying, “My Father, if this cannot pass away unless I drink it, Your will be done.”

Day10: 2/26. Repeat the same. 44 shots and counting. My stomach is starting to bruise a little, and I can feel a knot on the right poochy side of my belly button. I try to make Rocky feel sorry for me. I have to have a little fun! I feel “full” in my abdomen, but overall great! I knew I would be the person who would require more days of stimulation. My ovaries are kind of like me, slow to learn and stubborn!

I have wasted so many days, weeks, and months looking ahead and wasting my today.

I looked up the full lyrics to the song I was singing yesterday. I was curious to see what the rest of the words were, and why God might have given me that particular song. After reading them, I know why. “Natalie, this life is short, stand strong, point people to Me!”

The lyrics are below, or listen here. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=le-TG4sRRiQ

There Will Be A Day

by Jeremy Camp

I try to hold on to this world with everything I have
But I feel the weight of what it brings, and the hurt that tries to grab
The many trials that seem to never end, His word declares this truth
That we will enter in this rest with wonders anew
But I hold on to this hope and the promise that He brings
That there will be a place with no more suffering

There will be a day with no more tears
No more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place
Will be no more, we'll see Jesus face to face
But until that day, we'll hold on to you always

I know the journey seems so long
You feel you’re walking on your own
But there has never been a step
Where you’ve walked out all alone

Troubled soul don’t lose your heart
Cause joy and peace he brings
And the beauty that’s in store
Outweighs the hurt of life’s sting

But I hold on to this hope and the promise that He brings
That there will be a place with no more suffering

There will be a day with no more tears
No more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place
Will be no more, we'll see Jesus face to face
But until that day, we'll hold on to you always

I can’t wait until that day where the very one
I’ve lived for always will wipe away the sorrow that I’ve faced
To touch the scars that rescued me from a life of shame and misery
O, this is why, this is why I sing

There will be a day with no more tears
No more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place
Will be no more, we'll see Jesus face to face

There will be a day with no more tears
No more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place
Will be no more, we'll see Jesus face to face

There will be a day he will wipe away the tears
He will wipe away the tears
He will wipe away the tears
There will be a day

*Another US/lab tomorrow!