IVF #1 - Your Flight Has Been Cancelled

February 27th, 2012

Day 11: Repeat. I had my US and nothing really changed. She said that when she graphed my follicles on Saturday that they were growing, just not a lot at the same size. Today wasn't any different. She needed to be able to see at least 5 good follicles for her to feel confident enough to go ahead with the retrieval. I really love my RE (reproductive endocrinologist), she is very thorough, upfront, and honest. I do not like to be sugar coated. Hit me straight! She walked out saying; I will look at everything and make a decision on what to do this afternoon. I headed back to work really leaning more towards that she would find at least 5 good little follies! I tried to focus on my patients, and not the clock.

 I was paged overhead around 2pm. I just knew it was going to be really good, or really bad. The IVF coordinator said, "Dr. McKinney has decided to cancel this cycle because she could not find 5 good ones, only 3. She thinks that we can do better." "We want you to stop all medications" and "call me with your next cycle". My heart sank most when she said to stop all medications. Those words felt so final, even though I knew it wasn't the end. Not that I enjoyed giving them, it just meant that it was over. Try again next time. Infertility always feels like you are taking 5 steps forward and then 6 steps backwards. Even though you are actually making some progress, it seems like so little that you are actually moving backwards. Maybe it is because life is going by so fast, or the feeling like everyone is passing you, with their ability to just look at the husband and conceive. LOL Once again, waiting. I hate waiting. When fertility treatments fail, you do not just try next month. It is usually 6-8 weeks. It feels like an eternity.

 I think I was prepared as I could have been for this decision, but it didn't change the fact that I was stunned. I felt paralyzed and a little numb. I wasn't even upset about not getting pregnant, because I couldn't even think that far down the road. The thought of doing the shots all over again seemed too much in that moment. I felt weak, angry at my stupid ovaries, defeated, scared about the possibility of it never working. I immediately thought to myself, I need to see Radcliffe, my nephew, for those of you who do not know! If you haven't laid eyes on his wonderful head, then you need to. I think he can lift anyone's day. I love him so very much; unexplained joy he has brought to my life. I thought he can make me feel better.

 I didn't know what questions to ask, what to do next. It was like I was dumb for the next 2 hours. The hardest part for me in that moment was the thought of having to find the strength to start again. I know God will give me the strength, I just feel daunted by it now. Once again, I am at work. No meltdowns aloud. Why do I always have to be at work?!?!? But, deep down I know that is right where God wanted me. This gives me time to work out my initial thoughts with God. This is something that I just learned to do over the past couple years.

 In the past, I always turned to everyone around me, instead of the Lord. I was looking to people to give me strength, wisdom, etc. Not that this is wrong, but you know what I mean. I really started reflecting on the things I had written over the past few days. It was convicting and it really gave me a sense of accountability. Natalie of little faith or Natalie of big faith? It was harder today. I didn't feel like rejoicing. If this was the only reason God urged me to write, it was worth it. I feel a great sense of accountability to you and God when I write. This is the precise reasons I didn't ever want to write in the now, I did not want the extra accountability. However, I will not lie about where I am when I write. It has to be transparent and truthful. It is harder today to rejoice in all things today.

 When I left work, I stopped by my best friend's house. I got out my tears and frustrations and went home. She listened with compassion, and that is all I needed. I will not dwell in this place, for there are far worst things that could happen to me. I called my sister, and never cried. I was a little shocked by my lack of tears. It is, what it is.

 I contemplated telling all of my close friends and family but I needed more time with God. More time to filter out the negative thoughts. When I give too much air time to my negative thoughts I find it so much more difficult to pull myself out of the hole. I am always so glad when I work through my difficulties with God first. I think we sometimes feel like if we do not tell everyone how much pain we are in, not sparing any details; they will not realize what we are going through. I have become acutely aware of when I have crossed the border into negative town. The place where discussing your problems becomes harmful to you and everyone else around you. It is no longer constructive or beneficial to you, your walk with God, or anyone near you. It becomes sinful.

I told my husband without a tear, but of course with deep sadness as I stare at my box of meds and calendar that has been my life for the past month.  I did go eat a big fat pizza and ice cream! It was great!!! My husband was so kind and thoughtful. I was exhausted by the end of the day. I definitely shed some tears as I fell asleep. Please carry me Lord, I am too tired.