IVF #2 - "You're Test Is Negative"

May 3^rd, 2012

 I returned from my trip, and it did serve as a great distraction. It was so wonderful to be surrounded by family that truly loves you! Of course, I still thought about it all the time, but it was more in the background. It was so nice to not be sitting around my house, wondering what was going to be. My hCG lab was drawn at 8:00am, and then I headed off to work. I was so anxious for about the first 2 hours then settled in. I told the lab lady to not call me at work. I did not want to hear the news until I was home! For the past couple days, I had the feeling that it had not worked. This was probably my mind preparing me for the worst. I did take a pregnancy test last night, and again this morning, and they were both negative. I knew there was a possibility that it was too early, maybe implantation happened later, etc. But, in my heart I knew that it was probably right. I think that is why I was so anxious when I came into today. I just knew they were going to call me with a negative. After I had taken the 1^st pregnancy test, on Wednesday night, I just kept thinking to myself, why can’t I get pregnant? Why is it not God’s will for me to be a mother now? Why do all the other people get pregnant so easily? So, many mothers do not even care to be a mother. I was just really upset, why could I not get a positive like everyone else?

 Everyone starts asking you if you have heard anything, and I didn’t want to tell them about the test I had taken the night before. I didn’t want to mourn like it was actually negative, until I knew for sure. I wanted the whole thing to just go away. I think because I knew in my heart that the home test were probably right. While I was at work, I goggled if anyone else had a negative HPT, then a positive blood test. Of course, I was just looking for any story that would make me feel better. I left work around 3pm just dying to know the final answer. I left a voicemail for the IVF coordinator to let her know that I was off work. That next hour was the longest hour of my life. I felt sick, anxious, and paralyzed. I laid on my couch, just staring at the wall. I could not even watch TV. I wanted to cry, but held it in until she called. When she finally called, in a sad voice she said…it is negative.

 I didn’t breath for about 10 seconds, I felt like my heart was being ripped out. The past several months just flashed before my eyes. I had tried to prepare myself for those words, but I was still holding out for hope that the HPT was wrong. You can never really prepare for this after going through so much. All of the shots, appointments, juggling work, ultrasounds, blood draws, started to flash before my eyes. What is wrong with me? I just don’t understand. How could it not work? I know it is obviously not God’s timing, but it still hurts so deeply. I do not know how you get through the types of devastating disappointments when you entire existence is riding on this working. I am not even someone who allows myself to get too far ahead from today, at least not anymore, and I am still crushed. I do not know how those people survive, maybe they don’t. If my faith, hope, and trust were in IVF, and not Christ, I wouldn’t make it. It is too devastating. It is my only saving grace.

 I got off the phone as fast as I could, and started cry. I was so crushed. It was a pain that was so deep. How could all of this not have worked? I cried off and on for the next two hours. I am so sick of crying and so sick of sharing bad news. I didn’t cry for as long as I thought I would, because I simply do not have that many tears left to shed over this same subject! I did have a slight pity party. I will never hold my own newborn, just everyone else’s newborn baby. It will never work. Why? Why? Why? Rocky came home and of course he was so sad. He was the one telling me to keep thinking positive, even after the negative tests at home. I watched TV the rest of the night. I didn’t really feel like talking to anyone because I simply had no words. Nothing was going to make me feel better in that moment. I texted my family, and a couple friends the terrible news. Later that night I read all of their texts, and listened to their voicemails. I cried all over again, but felt so lucky to have so many people by my side. I was so touched by their complete sadness for Rocky and I. My sweet cousins, who live in town, dropped off the most beautiful flowering plant at our doorstep. It was so thoughtful. We are very blessed in this regard.

 I cry the most when I am alone. I feel like the burden of this journey has gone on for so long that I am tired of putting any of it on my friends and family. I am tired of having to share bad news, because I do not want them to keep having to be sad for me. It’s like Debbie Downer! I do not want to rob them of any joy they are experiencing in their lives. I know they do not feel this way, and they always want to carry the burden with us. After a while, you just start feeling bad because the bad news just keeps coming.   

My cousin Micah shared this verse with me and I received it while I was at work, so before I found out the news.

Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you will abound I hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.   Romans 15:13

The song below was playing on the radio when I was driving to get my blood drawn and again when I was on my way home. This was the first song I heard when I turned my car on. I do not believe in coincidences.

Carry Me To The Cross by: Kutless

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C0UeOSrTEAs

When the path is daunting
And every step exhausting
I'm not alone I'm not alone
I feel You draw me closer
All these burdens on my shoulder
I'm not alone I'm not alone
You pull me from this place
Hallelujah! You carry me every day
You carry me all the way
Hallelujah! You carry me to the,
You carry me to the cross
How Your love has moved me yeah
To the foot of all Your glory
I'm not alone I'm not alone
I'm not alone
All of these cities You have built
And every cathedral You have filled
To all of creation You gave life with Your hands
And with those hands you comfort me
You lift me up from my knees and carry me
You carry me