IVF #2 - The Aftermath

May 4^th, 2012

 Well, today is a new day. I had to work, which is probably a good thing. I am still very sad, but no tears so far today (there is still a lot of day left). I feel myself trying to move on. There is no other choice. It doesn’t mean I will not shed anymore tears. I feel like I have no choice, but to keep pushing forward. What’s done is done. I cannot change the facts, or the past. I feel the Lord pulling me forward, keeping me from staying in the valley too long. The pain and sadness is still there, and I am sure will be for some time. I am so grateful for the three little babies we have in the lab. I am so grateful that I bought a package that include cancellations, FET (frozen embryo transfer), cryopreservation, storage fees, and of course the fresh cycle. The Lord put that on our hearts to purchase, and now it has saved us A LOT of money. If everything would have went perfect we, would have lost some money. He knows the future.

 Last night I was showing Rocky pictures from our trip and came across our two little embryos. Those little friends just didn't want to stay here.  I am so grateful that I get to go to the beach with Radcliffe in just a few days. What a blessing. He is a dream. I wondered yesterday, would I always have to live out my dreams of being a mother through Nancy’s children. This brings tears to my eyes. I hope I do not butt in too much. J I know that I may adopt one day, but there is just this part of you that really wants to see your genetics played out, to experience pregnancy, a baby’s first kick, 4D ultrasounds, the first heartbeat, finding out the gender, baby shower, delivery, first cry, first bath, first diaper, etc. The list doesn’t end.

 I spoke with the IVF coordinator and we made an appointment to talk with Dr. McKinney, our fertility doctor. So, it will probably be a few more months before we can do the FET. It looks like I will not be ready until the July/August cycle. This sounds so far away. But, I guess what is a few months against 3 ½ years. I do not want to rush into it too quickly. Doing it right is better than doing it quickly.

 Through all of the pain, I completely trust that the Lord is preparing Rocky and I for something. I do not know what it is, and may not even want to know yet. I know that there has to be a purpose, and this is where my hope resides. Maybe it is as simple as learning to enjoy only today. I did daydream some with my family, but tried to stay grounded as well. Fortunately, I did not plan out the next 9 months of my life while waiting for the results, knowing that there is no promise that this was going to work. Glad I didn’t, or I would be spending the next several months getting over the devastation of plans that were never to be, at least not yet. Been there, done that!

 In my knowledge, there should be no reason that I am not pregnant, but in His knowledge, there is. I have to trust His knowledge over my own. It is prideful to think that I know better than my Heavenly Father who loves me more than my own father, and my dad REALLY loves me! It keeps me sane, to say the least. I do not understand why, but above that, I have to know that He has a prefect reason. It hurts and I wish it were over, but I know that in 20 years we will look back and see things much clearer. My parents have given me numerous examples of this in their own lives. I have seen it too many times not to put my faith here. I know that the Lord will reveal the reasons, and we will actually be grateful. This faith keeps me going, and excited for the future, whatever that may be. Faith and trust in the Lord is the only way to survive, and thrive, through life’s trials, and to come out on the other side of continued devastating news. I know this because I am living it right now.

 While I was getting ready for work this morning my best friend Jenn sent me this verse.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.   Psalm 34:18