March
9th, 2012
I
have had a couple really sad days this week, but thankfully they do not last as
long as they used to. I am on the upswing! YEA! I can always feel it coming on.
It started about Tuesday night and was going strong all day Wednesday. I just
feel like I could cry all day, over anything, and everything. I do not know
what triggers it, but I am sure it is a myriad of things. I guess just being a
girl is one of them. LOL You are constantly bombarded with visions of children.
With each passing month, more and more things remind me of children.
When
you first start trying it begins with the obvious…babies. Slowly, things are
added to the list. Now, after 3 years even maps of the world remind me of
children. I think to myself, “I cannot wait to teach my children geography”. I
do not know if it is the object that reminds you of children, or if you begin
to relate everything to being a mother. Either way, I only allow them to be
fleeting thoughts. If I dwell for any length of time, I would sink into
despair. I would be completely incapable of enjoying my nephew Rad, my sweet
cousin’s babies, my best friend’s children, and anything else for that matter.
I definitely would be residing in Bittertown, USA. Who wants to be around that
girl? Even worse, YOU ARE miserable! God has turned things that should make me
bitter, into the things that bring me the most joy in my life! Thank you, thank
you, Lord!!!
I
have learned to quickly change my focus when something reminds me of how I do
not have children, even if it is just a map. I have one happy thought, and I move
on. We all know what road that one happy thought is about to go down. It will
take on South avenue rapidly. If I did not do this, they will serve as
distractions from what I am suppose to be doing today. I had to make a choice
to do this several months ago. I feel like a lot of the coping mechanisms I
have learned have been in this last year. Hmmm…maybe that was the purpose Lord.
I use to dwell for hours, days, weeks on the future things to come. LOL Notice
how I used to be sooooo sure they were coming just the way I had imagined, even
though I had no way of knowing the future. Very prideful of me! I was just
setting myself up for huge devastation. I now completely rely on the Lord’s
strength to stay afloat. This has changed everything. I used to rely on my own
strength, giving myself pep talks. I would tell myself, you are strong and
independent. You can do this. Now, I say you CAN’T do this, but the Lord CAN.
It
is amazing because when I crash now, it is not the same. I have a cushy
landing; I know the Lord is right there. I get up quicker and happier and move
on. When people tell me I am strong, I say it is NOT me. It is the Lord.
Actually, quite the opposite is true. I finally admitted I am too weak
to traverse life’s trials on my own. I always know when I began to rely on
self; I begin to worry, anxiety and fear set in. I become an irritable,
prideful, and begin to complain. I will start wondering what is wrong with
me??? Why am I in this funk??? In the past, it would go on for months
until I would finally realize I was relying on self. I have learned to evaluate
my heart much quicker now. I will step back and ask myself, “Are you relying on
God, or self right now Natalie? Well, you are falling apart so it must be
self”. The quicker you pick up on this, the faster you can get back on track.
The longer it takes to acknowledge and readjust, the more pain and consequence
you will endure when you finally decide to give it back to the Lord.
I
have seen grown Christian women allow themselves to stay on the “self-track”
for so many years that without a sheer miracle it is nearly impossible to
re-adjust. Don’t do this. It is deadly to you, and everyone you come in contact
with! I know the Lord can work miracles, but the longer you are on the wrong
path the harder to find your way back home. It requires so much humility and
repentance, which goes against every fiber of our flesh. Quench the desire of
the flesh quickly!!! I have learned this the hard way.
Currently,
Rocky and I are waiting to begin the next cycle with our IVF clinic. This
starts in mid April. However, I have two trips already planned in April and
May. If the timing does not work out correctly, we will wait until the May-June
cycle. I can no longer put my life on hold for something that might not happen.
I cannot put all of my hope in the “next” thing. I cannot miss out on the
things God has given me today. I am not going to miss out on the memories of
today. It is only 4 weeks. After 3 years, what is 4 weeks? I have spent so many
weeks and months, being devastated over waiting 4 more weeks. Another lesson
learned. Thank you Lord! Seeing my nephew on the beach for the first time will
be something that I will cherish forever. God has given me such special people
in my life TODAY; and I am not promised to become pregnant if I miss out on
today. It would just be my flesh, trying to fill my desires, quicker. The day I
hold my child for the first time has already been set in time; I cannot hurry
it up, or change it. However, I can enjoy what I do have until it gets here!
What freedom this brings. The Lord knew the trips were already planned before I
even planned them. He is not surprised. Thank goodness!
I
do not want any of my writings to appear as though this is a cakewalk for me
now. If you think this in anyway, then please start reading the very first blog
post. It begins in November 2008. You will quickly see where I was. Hopefully,
when I have completed writing the entire journey you will see the only
reason I am better equipped to handle life’s trials today, is because I am now
accessing the strength of the Lord. Trials are difficult, this never changes. I
want this trial to be over, but I want His will in my life more. I want to
learn all that I am suppose to learn before it is too late. It took me a
loooong time to get here. I am so grateful for this journey because I know the
Lord is preparing me to be a better mother. Which means my children will have a
better mother, which means the Lord already loves my children more than I do,
more than I will, and more than I can. With the Lord’s strength, you can
thrive, not just survive!
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