I think where we left off was after my last hCG a couple days before Thanksgiving. Well, the Monday after Thanksgiving we had our first US and the only thing visualized was a black sac. No baby. No fetal pole. No heart beat. I knew immediately that this was not good. My doctors said that it was 50/50 and we would re-scan on that Friday. In my heart I knew that it wasn't going to be any different on Friday. Of course, there is always that glimmer of hope, but I started preparing myself immediately that it would not continue. We saw the twins the second the US wand was in place and since IVF dates are so exact at 6 weeks and 3 days we should have seen something. I think all of us in the room knew that, but of course a couple days off on US can make a huge difference on something that small. So, I planned another one for Friday, but this time with my actual OB. My insurance doesn't cover US at my fertility doctor and no need to waste money. I feel SO fortunate to literally have the BEST fertility doctor and the BEST OB doctor you can get!
We waited another 3-4 days and the next US showed the same thing. We had lost little Lasty. Of course you have just a tiny ounce of hope, but reality tells you that it can't be and it wasn't! I was told that I could stop all my medications. Honestly, this was very hard. I knew there was nothing there, but in the past I had never gotten pregnant except with the twins so I had never had to stop medications before. It is a very weird/sad/hard experience(for lack of better terminology) because you know that if there is ANY chance that there is something there that you are likely going to end it when you stop the medications. So.....since I had some medications left over I continued them for another few days. It just made me feel better. Like overkill, but I didn't ever want to wonder AT ALL even though I knew it wasn't there!!!! It is actually something that I cannot explain and I don't think you can unless you have been through it personally. Logically and scientifically it doesn't make sense. It was really for my peace of mind and maybe to give me time to process. I asked my OB for one more US the following Friday and of course it showed the same thing. I knew it would, but now I had 100% peace and that was worth it! Even though you know it is over....of course there is that part of you(the HOPING part) that says, "well maybe,,,,just maybe" and it is that hoping part that has to get down to 0% for you to have the peace you need to move on. I meant to write an update after this, but you know how the days go by and then before I knew it Christmas was here and I didn't want to be a Debbie Downer right before Christmas! :-)
My third US the boys were with me and my mom. On one hand, you were hoping for more, but then the moment I got down off that table I looked down at PURE perfection and my heart was FULL and overflowing with gratitude. I am a mother. The boys acted like angels in the US room and they looked like angels too! :-) I reached down and hugged them both so tight! I don't understand why some people have such a difficult time getting pregnant. It isn't for me to understand. I do know and I do trust 100% that God is and can use my difficulties and any difficulties for good IF we allow Him to. I choose to let these difficulties make me cherish my boys more and more each day. To stop and play and hug more than usual. I may never have another baby, but God has given me two and I need to live in the moment with them and make everyday last as long as possible which means I don't have time to waste! I remind myself often about how many women and couples are still childless. That pain is indescribable and I am no longer on that horrific journey and it wouldn't be right for me to act like I am. Don't get me wrong....it is still a difficult, long, and arduous journey. For me to try to get pregnant once it will take a minimum of 6 months. When normal women can try two weeks after a negative test, my entire IVF journey this time started in September and my body will not be back to normal until February/March. So when you have to only wait 10-14 days to try again......don't complain, be grateful!!! :-) People struggling with infertility may only get to try 1-2 times per year!!!
I was offered a medication that will induce the miscarry part if my body didn't do it naturally by a certain time, but I was really wanting for my body to do it naturally and it did. 6 days after stopping my medications the miscarriage part had started and this was the week before Christmas. It was minimal for two days and I thought to myself, "Oh this is nothing!" THEN......Thursday morning came! I started cramping at work right in the middle of seeing patients. And by cramping I mean PMS on STEROIDS, but I thought....."surely this can't last that long or get worse. I can push through"! WRONG! It was the most pain I had ever experienced in my life. At this point, there was no baby, only products of conception, and HOW IN THE WORLD could that produce that type of pain! It is BEYOND me!! It had to be comparable to labor pains which I have never experienced and I will not(if I get the chance) being doing that without meds! NO WAY!! Needless to say, I had to leave work. Although, I tried to wait it out for about two hours in my office. Oddly, I only had a couple patients during that time. I could barely walk to my car. The pain was pretty consistent, but the severe pain came in waves lasting several minutes and only subsiding for 30 -60 seconds. The worst part lasted around 5 hours. Then there were a couple more episodes that evening and the following morning. I will spare you the "pretty" details, but if this is something you are about to go through please feel for to ask me.
With all of the sadness of losing Lasty, in the end, I have been pregnant, carried babies, decorated a nursery, had baby showers, maternity photos, heard not one, but two heart beats, have now heard "I love you mommy" from two angelic faces, and many more! So many will never have those experiences. I choose gratitude! It makes life so much better! (FYI.....I am not some super saint.....if you haven't read my entire blog....I spent 2 years not choosing gratitude and it was le miserable!!) Being happy is actually a choice. Life can be hard and throw very unexpected trials and difficulties at any second. The ONLY way I(through Christ) was able to pull myself out of that dark, bitter hole infertility was by choosing gratitude one day at a time. This then becomes a habit. Of course, we all still have bad days, but I don't live there. I start thanking God for ALL the many things I have and all the things I definitely don't deserve. My heart wants many more children, but today I have been given Hew and Harry! Many of you know that I work in Radiation Oncology and every week I talk, cry, and treat people facing death. Some with zero hope. Some very young. Mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, grandparents, children, etc. Instead of being sad for my loss, I challenge you to stop right now and thank God for everything you have that is special to you. Everything. When you are having a bad day(you know the ones where you want to complain the ENTIRE day), stop and do your gratitude list and your heart can't hep but to turn happy! YAY!!
My list pre Hew and Harry(cliff notes): Thank you for two parents that are still alive and that are my best friends and have loved me perfectly since the day they knew about me. Thank you for my sister whom I COULD NOT do live without. I would rather never be a mother than to lose my sister. Thank you for giving me a husband who loves me unconditionally and treats me with perfect kindness. Thank you I don't have cancer and my family isn't facing anything terminal and that I have legs and a brain that works(most of the time)! Thank you for a roof, food, clean water and that I never think about gas prices, or if I can afford to put food on the table. Thank you for letting me be born in the good ole US of A! These are just a few of the things I would list to get myself happy!! The further down you are the more things you have to list!! LOL!! I am in tears as I write this because it takes me right back to that time, but it also reminds me that even though I am not going through any thing as difficult, that I need to still repeat this list. When things are going well it is very easy to start complaint about the little things and get caught up in all the things that are going wrong. Yikes!!
My list post Hew and Harry: Thank you that I am a mother today. And all of the above again, but mostly now ALL I have to remind myself of is that I have Hew and Harry! That is enough to turn my frown upside down! :-)
Over these past 7 years(almost) of infertility of I have learned several things!!! TOO many to name, but one that is relevant here is to never assume that you are going to get something. Live in the present. Don't get ahead of God. Be grateful for what He has given you today. It may not be here tomorrow. Don't waste precious times worrying over things you cannot control because you can never get that time back. Do you know how freeing these lessons are???? Do you know how LONG it took me to learn them??? BUT....I learned them and they have protected me form unnecessary(side note-you know I can never spell this work the first time. I can never memorize this one! Shouldn't it have more c's or something???) pain. I think we often inflict more pain on ourselves than was needed by assuming and expecting something to happen that we have no control over. It is already painful enough.
These past couple weeks I have kissed, hugged, held, snuggle, squeezed, played, kissed, wrestled, watched, starred, kissed, and played with my boys more than I would have because I am not promised anymore than I have and I better make it count! EVERY second! If that is what God wanted to teach/remind me to do through this miscarriage.....it was worth it. Time is passing and we can never go back! Cherish the moments you have today! Be grateful for SOMETHING no matter what you are going through!!!!
