IVF #2 - The Aftermath

May 4^th, 2012

 Well, today is a new day. I had to work, which is probably a good thing. I am still very sad, but no tears so far today (there is still a lot of day left). I feel myself trying to move on. There is no other choice. It doesn’t mean I will not shed anymore tears. I feel like I have no choice, but to keep pushing forward. What’s done is done. I cannot change the facts, or the past. I feel the Lord pulling me forward, keeping me from staying in the valley too long. The pain and sadness is still there, and I am sure will be for some time. I am so grateful for the three little babies we have in the lab. I am so grateful that I bought a package that include cancellations, FET (frozen embryo transfer), cryopreservation, storage fees, and of course the fresh cycle. The Lord put that on our hearts to purchase, and now it has saved us A LOT of money. If everything would have went perfect we, would have lost some money. He knows the future.

 Last night I was showing Rocky pictures from our trip and came across our two little embryos. Those little friends just didn't want to stay here.  I am so grateful that I get to go to the beach with Radcliffe in just a few days. What a blessing. He is a dream. I wondered yesterday, would I always have to live out my dreams of being a mother through Nancy’s children. This brings tears to my eyes. I hope I do not butt in too much. J I know that I may adopt one day, but there is just this part of you that really wants to see your genetics played out, to experience pregnancy, a baby’s first kick, 4D ultrasounds, the first heartbeat, finding out the gender, baby shower, delivery, first cry, first bath, first diaper, etc. The list doesn’t end.

 I spoke with the IVF coordinator and we made an appointment to talk with Dr. McKinney, our fertility doctor. So, it will probably be a few more months before we can do the FET. It looks like I will not be ready until the July/August cycle. This sounds so far away. But, I guess what is a few months against 3 ½ years. I do not want to rush into it too quickly. Doing it right is better than doing it quickly.

 Through all of the pain, I completely trust that the Lord is preparing Rocky and I for something. I do not know what it is, and may not even want to know yet. I know that there has to be a purpose, and this is where my hope resides. Maybe it is as simple as learning to enjoy only today. I did daydream some with my family, but tried to stay grounded as well. Fortunately, I did not plan out the next 9 months of my life while waiting for the results, knowing that there is no promise that this was going to work. Glad I didn’t, or I would be spending the next several months getting over the devastation of plans that were never to be, at least not yet. Been there, done that!

 In my knowledge, there should be no reason that I am not pregnant, but in His knowledge, there is. I have to trust His knowledge over my own. It is prideful to think that I know better than my Heavenly Father who loves me more than my own father, and my dad REALLY loves me! It keeps me sane, to say the least. I do not understand why, but above that, I have to know that He has a prefect reason. It hurts and I wish it were over, but I know that in 20 years we will look back and see things much clearer. My parents have given me numerous examples of this in their own lives. I have seen it too many times not to put my faith here. I know that the Lord will reveal the reasons, and we will actually be grateful. This faith keeps me going, and excited for the future, whatever that may be. Faith and trust in the Lord is the only way to survive, and thrive, through life’s trials, and to come out on the other side of continued devastating news. I know this because I am living it right now.

 While I was getting ready for work this morning my best friend Jenn sent me this verse.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.   Psalm 34:18

IVF #2 - "You're Test Is Negative"

May 3^rd, 2012

 I returned from my trip, and it did serve as a great distraction. It was so wonderful to be surrounded by family that truly loves you! Of course, I still thought about it all the time, but it was more in the background. It was so nice to not be sitting around my house, wondering what was going to be. My hCG lab was drawn at 8:00am, and then I headed off to work. I was so anxious for about the first 2 hours then settled in. I told the lab lady to not call me at work. I did not want to hear the news until I was home! For the past couple days, I had the feeling that it had not worked. This was probably my mind preparing me for the worst. I did take a pregnancy test last night, and again this morning, and they were both negative. I knew there was a possibility that it was too early, maybe implantation happened later, etc. But, in my heart I knew that it was probably right. I think that is why I was so anxious when I came into today. I just knew they were going to call me with a negative. After I had taken the 1^st pregnancy test, on Wednesday night, I just kept thinking to myself, why can’t I get pregnant? Why is it not God’s will for me to be a mother now? Why do all the other people get pregnant so easily? So, many mothers do not even care to be a mother. I was just really upset, why could I not get a positive like everyone else?

 Everyone starts asking you if you have heard anything, and I didn’t want to tell them about the test I had taken the night before. I didn’t want to mourn like it was actually negative, until I knew for sure. I wanted the whole thing to just go away. I think because I knew in my heart that the home test were probably right. While I was at work, I goggled if anyone else had a negative HPT, then a positive blood test. Of course, I was just looking for any story that would make me feel better. I left work around 3pm just dying to know the final answer. I left a voicemail for the IVF coordinator to let her know that I was off work. That next hour was the longest hour of my life. I felt sick, anxious, and paralyzed. I laid on my couch, just staring at the wall. I could not even watch TV. I wanted to cry, but held it in until she called. When she finally called, in a sad voice she said…it is negative.

 I didn’t breath for about 10 seconds, I felt like my heart was being ripped out. The past several months just flashed before my eyes. I had tried to prepare myself for those words, but I was still holding out for hope that the HPT was wrong. You can never really prepare for this after going through so much. All of the shots, appointments, juggling work, ultrasounds, blood draws, started to flash before my eyes. What is wrong with me? I just don’t understand. How could it not work? I know it is obviously not God’s timing, but it still hurts so deeply. I do not know how you get through the types of devastating disappointments when you entire existence is riding on this working. I am not even someone who allows myself to get too far ahead from today, at least not anymore, and I am still crushed. I do not know how those people survive, maybe they don’t. If my faith, hope, and trust were in IVF, and not Christ, I wouldn’t make it. It is too devastating. It is my only saving grace.

 I got off the phone as fast as I could, and started cry. I was so crushed. It was a pain that was so deep. How could all of this not have worked? I cried off and on for the next two hours. I am so sick of crying and so sick of sharing bad news. I didn’t cry for as long as I thought I would, because I simply do not have that many tears left to shed over this same subject! I did have a slight pity party. I will never hold my own newborn, just everyone else’s newborn baby. It will never work. Why? Why? Why? Rocky came home and of course he was so sad. He was the one telling me to keep thinking positive, even after the negative tests at home. I watched TV the rest of the night. I didn’t really feel like talking to anyone because I simply had no words. Nothing was going to make me feel better in that moment. I texted my family, and a couple friends the terrible news. Later that night I read all of their texts, and listened to their voicemails. I cried all over again, but felt so lucky to have so many people by my side. I was so touched by their complete sadness for Rocky and I. My sweet cousins, who live in town, dropped off the most beautiful flowering plant at our doorstep. It was so thoughtful. We are very blessed in this regard.

 I cry the most when I am alone. I feel like the burden of this journey has gone on for so long that I am tired of putting any of it on my friends and family. I am tired of having to share bad news, because I do not want them to keep having to be sad for me. It’s like Debbie Downer! I do not want to rob them of any joy they are experiencing in their lives. I know they do not feel this way, and they always want to carry the burden with us. After a while, you just start feeling bad because the bad news just keeps coming.   

My cousin Micah shared this verse with me and I received it while I was at work, so before I found out the news.

Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you will abound I hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.   Romans 15:13

The song below was playing on the radio when I was driving to get my blood drawn and again when I was on my way home. This was the first song I heard when I turned my car on. I do not believe in coincidences.

Carry Me To The Cross by: Kutless

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C0UeOSrTEAs

When the path is daunting
And every step exhausting
I'm not alone I'm not alone
I feel You draw me closer
All these burdens on my shoulder
I'm not alone I'm not alone
You pull me from this place
Hallelujah! You carry me every day
You carry me all the way
Hallelujah! You carry me to the,
You carry me to the cross
How Your love has moved me yeah
To the foot of all Your glory
I'm not alone I'm not alone
I'm not alone
All of these cities You have built
And every cathedral You have filled
To all of creation You gave life with Your hands
And with those hands you comfort me
You lift me up from my knees and carry me
You carry me