February 24,
2012
I
have been writing my entire three year infertility journey in chronological
order, and I am still working on it today. It has been a slow process, and I
have only posted a small portion to our blog. However, I felt like God wanted
me to write about what was happening with IVF, right now, today. I never wanted
to write in the now, because it is so personal. However, I feel lead to share
the journey in the midst of the trial, hoping God can use it in a greater way.
I know this is God, because this is the total opposite of how I would choose to
do this. I like to write when things are in the past. This has not been
proofread and is written from the heart and in moment. So, bear with any mistakes!
January
18th:
Ordered meds.
January
25th:
Received meds.
February
6th:
We started our 1st injections with Lupron (leuperolide) which are still being
given every morning. These calm the ovaries down to nothing, so my doctor can
control with injectables. After 10 days of Lupron, I will have a baseline US
(ultrasound) to ensure that my ovaries were shut down.
February
9th:
Trial Transfer with water US. This is a mock procedure that mimics the embryo
transfer. The doctor wants to ensure easy passage for the catheter that is
holding my tiny little babies, proper placement and anatomy. It is like a
practice run for the big day. You only get one shot! This procedure was
especially important for me because I still had a small remaining septum. I had
the majority of my septum removed about a year and a half ago. We knew then,
that there was a remaining 1.6 cm septum at the top of my uterus. I did not
want to have another surgery because we (my husband Rocky and I) felt like the
Lord lead us in a different direction, to trust Him with the embryo attachment.
If the embryos were to attach to this septum, they would not survive. It is
avascular, meaning no blood supply. It is basically fibrotic tissue. My
original septum took up most of my uterus and had been there since birth. It
divided my uterus in half.
So,
needless to say, it was very important for her to know exactly where and what
my septum looked like prior to starting the IVF process. The US was quite
uncomfortable with the full bladder and spasms, but my results were great. I
finally had a great uterine cavity! It was an answered to prayer, no scar
tissue had formed! Rocky and I also had patient education to attend. Slightly
overwhelming to say the least. Those of you who have been through this, know
what I mean. The doctors have their part but it only works if you do your part
right. So much pressure! Deep breath, you can only do your best. God is in
control! Feeling better now. :)
*This
next part is the chronological order of the days of stimulating medications,
the meat of the IVF process. You ovaries have to respond properly for any of
IVF to matter.
Day
1:
The morning after baseline, which is Friday the 17th, I started
synthetic FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) injections, 150IU, 12 hours apart.
I call this stuff liquid gold because it is like injecting yourself with $500
every other day. But, I thank God for it! This FSH is man-made but does the
same thing that each of your FSH does. Only at much higher levels. You continue
the Lupron because it prevents your own hormones from taking over, potentially
causing you to ovulate prematurely! We do not want my body making its own
FSH/LH. I am also taking dexamethasone (steroid) to suppress immune function
which can help to optimize ovarian response to medications, and prevent immune
response that can decrease efficacy of meds. This is done every day. These
injections are given in your stomach, you know, the poochie part around the
belly button. :)
Day
2:
Lupron, 150IU FSH bid (twice daily), dexamethasone, pre-natal.
Day
3:
Repeat
Day
4:
Repeat
Day
5:
Tuesday, February 21st, repeat morning routine. I went in for my 1st
mid-cycle US. I will now be going in every other day for US and lab draw--E2
(estrogen) levels. Estrogen tells you about the maturation of the follicles and
helps develop uterine ling.
They
were running behind that day. I was sitting on the edge of the table, staring
at the wall. Will I have any eggs, no eggs, what will my lining look like, and
I wonder if my estrogen will be good, will I get pregnant, will I have twins,
when will the retrieval be? I had multiple thoughts and unanswered questions
rushing through my head, as I waited un-patiently.
This is the point in IVF when things really matter. Not having any answers to
the above questions, much less, any control of any of these situations. I
started feeling a little anxious and I could feel my thoughts heading down
their own little path as if they knew the future. So, I began to pray.
“Lord,
Your will be done with regards to each step of this process. I cannot handle
the pain of getting ahead of Your plan anymore. Only You know if my response
will be adequate, only You know the outcome. I am not going to pray for good
response, perfect lining, tons of eggs, pregnancy, or a baby. You already know
these are my desires; I do not have to keep reminding You, as if to change your
mind or try and convince You to do them. I want only Your will here today, no
matter how bad the outcome maybe. I know that You know the perfect time for me
to be a mother and I trust You.”
I
truly believed this in my heart, but also wondered if I would really be strong
enough to live this commitment out. Several months ago, I was avoiding IVF,
living in fear and weakness. So afraid the outcome would be bad that I would
not be able to handle it. I was relying on self.
I
felt God respond to me by saying, “Just don’t get ahead of Me”. Very simple. I
said, ok, I will follow Your lead and only move in the direction You move. He
said, “I want to protect you from unnecessary hurt that you will inflict
on yourself by jumping ahead of My plan or making up your own”. I thought,
great! I need some protection from myself.
I
had 5 follicles on my left and 7 on my right. Uterine lining was 6.9mm. Most of
the follicles were small to medium and 2 were noticeably larger than the
others. She said it was a good start! I called my PRN patient line later that
day to get lab results and further instructions. My E2 was 290ng/ml, which they
said was good! I was to continue what I have been doing and will return to
repeat the US/lab on Thursday the 23rd. I
called my dad before returning to work. I told him about my prayer as tears
rolled down my face. I do not want to get ahead of God, dad. I want God’s will
more than IVF success. I want to be used through this; I want to show great
faith in my God. Not to reflect me, but the joy found in Christ. I told him how
many times I have gotten “ahead of God”. Only to be wrecked with heartache and
disappointment when it did not play out the way I thought it would. I am sure
God was looking down on me in the past saying, “I never told you that was the
plan, you took one little thing and made your own path. Now, it is going to
take you a month to recover from the heartache, which you never would have had
to endure, had you stayed by My side.” I knew the potential devastation and
loss with IVF would be more than I could handle if I did not stay in the arms
of God. I could not handle this one on my own.
It
is so easy when you are trying to get pregnant, to look ahead at your due date,
to have the highest of hopes, to figure out the time you will find out the sex,
pick out names, etc. The list goes on and on. I think that this applies to all
trials. I told my dad, I am not doing that this time. I cannot make my God look
small. I cannot be ‘ye of little faith’. I cannot waste time with anxiety and
worry! I cannot waste time on my desires when God has work for me to be doing
in the meantime. I am not saying that dreaming of becoming a mom is wrong, but
when I choose to make plans ahead of God, it is. It is a heart condition. I
have said a million times, God is in control and His timing is perfect. So,
show it Natalie! Put your money where your mouth is! How much do you really
believe those words? Live it.
Day
6:
Repeat
Day
7:
2nd baseline US, Thursday, the 23rd. My actual fertility specialist,
whom I love, did this US. She has never done one of my US checks, this is
usually done by the US tech. She checked my ovaries, only counting 3 on my left
and 5 on the right. Uterine lining was 8.4mm, which she said was good. I
watched with anticipation, asking a million questions. Obvi! I had 2 large
eggs, one on each side, and the rest small to medium. I didn’t’ think it looked
superb but I did have 12 eggs on my 1st US. She stepped back and
said, "this is not optimal". Huh?!?!?! We may have to cancel this
cycle. What??? I am making my disbelief, lost for words, this isn’t happening
face. I really wasn’t expecting this, but who really is. So, we continued to talk.
She said there are not enough eggs at the same stage for me to do retrieval at
this point. The goal is to have 12-15 follicles with the great majority being
about the same size. We will probably lose the big ones while driving the
others to maturity, the smaller ones will not be big enough. That only leaves
us with about 4, and that is just not good enough for your first cycle. The
chances are too low that you would not have any embryos to transfer. I will
have to look at your E2 levels and we will re-check in a couple days. Things
could turn around, but I just want you to be aware that it is not what I want
to see.
This
whole time I am nodding my head, remembering my prayer from Tuesday. The
disbelief beginning to subside. I was trying to figure out how I was feeling.
Do I want to cry, be angry, throw a pity party, or praise God because He is in
control? Normally, I would be in tears at this point but I felt the strangest
peace all over me. Sadly, it was a little foreign. Partly, because I have never
been in such a difficult trial and the other is because I have always been
“ahead of God”. She continued talking, I just stared and nodded, somewhat
paralyzed. She said, "most women I wouldn’t be able to even start this
convo with, and if I did, I would have to pick them up off the ground". I
knew I didn’t want to be most women because I have the strength of Christ. I
was also so confused because I didn’t feel this way. I wasn’t devastated. Of
course, this is not the desired outcome. But who am I to question God’s plan.
He knew I would be in this situation right now, it was His plan. I felt His
presence saying, “I got this Natalie”. “No need to worry.” “Been in my playbook
all along.” “Do you trust me?” He has a perfect plan, my job is to trust. I had
a small voice telling me to be a Light right now, in this moment. It is not
about you Natalie, are you going to look like a believer or a person without
Christ? I told her that, “I wanted the truth no matter what. I told her, I
trust you to make the right decision at the right time, and most importantly ,I
trust God. He is in control, not me or you. She was very compassionate. She
left and said I will see you Saturday.
As
I was gathering my things, I began feeling thankful. I wanted to start crying,
but I had to go straight to work. I usually never work on Thursday. This week
the doctor I work with was out of town. So, I had decided earlier in the week
to go in on Thursday instead of Friday. I wanted to call in and go in on
Friday, but then I knew I would regret that. I wanted to go straight to my
couch, but of course there I was only going to throw myself a big pity party
and end up with a huge crying hangover. I ended up going to work, but I quickly
realized that was God’s plan. I thanked Him that! I had to go a work
because this would help ward of the pity party parade. He was helping me to
choose obedience. I also started thanking Him for leading us to by the IVF 1+1
package. I toiled over this for weeks, crunching numbers even though I knew it
was what God wanted us to do. The package is basically buying some insurance.
If everything goes well, you over spent, but if things don’t go perfectly, it
can really save. People in my position only have about a 7% cancellation rate
at my clinic, so the chances were slim. I wanted to save that money, but God
didn’t give us a peace about that.
I
was so very grateful that I had trusted God. He knew the future, not me! The
peace I had in the moment, He had given to me. The day only seem to be getting
better, when it should have been getting worse. The next couple hours I was
sitting at my desk wondering why I wasn’t falling apart. I actually have joy in
my heart. I am happy. It was weird. I thought who am I going to tell, and how
am I going to tell them. Would it be the Natalie of little faith or big faith?
I started to reflect on how I really felt about the situation. What did I
really feeling like doing? This is where the flesh and the Spirit start to
talk. There was a part of me who thought, I could throw myself the "Natalie
Almost Cancellation Pity Party", even though the cancellation hasn’t
actually happened yet. Or, I could run with this joy that I am feeling inside.
I could choose to rejoice in God’s perfect plan, show my faith, and live my
prayer of two days ago. I thought to myself, why would I choose the pity party?
Why would I make myself feel sad when I am actually feeling joyful! Now what
exactly was I feeling joyful about? I have to be honest, I felt a little nutty.
My flesh was telling me that this isn’t normal, you will look weird, and it
will look fake. However, I knew that this was the peace and joy that only God
can give. When you experience it, you have no doubt whatsoever where it came
from.
I
went to the gym at lunch, surprised to see my best friend, who is 6 months
prego with her second child. I am smiling ear to ear because she looks so darn
cute with her big-o belly in our work-out class. After class, we were on
the elliptical and I look at her, still smiling ear to ear. I have to tell you
something, she begins to grin, and I said it is not good news so I have no idea
why I am smiling. The next words I spoke were, “we may have to cancel this
cycle”. She looks, sad, dumbfounded, and completely confused by my smiles. I
said, “I don’t know why I am smiling, it is not happy news”. I was even
confused by my total cheesy smiles. Then I began to tell her about the joy and
peace I was feeling and that this was God’s perfect plan set before the
foundations of the world. He is not surprised, so He must have something
greater planned. For all I know, my eggs could be in tip top shape come
Saturday. She already knew about my prayer at the doctor’s office, because I
had told her at Bible study that night. I wanted them to hold me accountable
and to help me have the strength to show my faith. For the remainder of the
day, I began to reflect on exactly why I was so joyful.
1. I trusted God to buy the IVF package- which included cancellation. He showed
me that day that I would need that package because I am very likely headed to
cancellation.
2. I was thankful I had to go to work that day. It forced me to be alone with
God and my thoughts. To work through the pull of the flesh before
telling my friends and family. This kept me from diving into the negative “what
ifs” that come with the territory.
3. I was grateful to know if there was a problem, sooner rather than later.
4. Most importantly, the Lord showed me that I was walking by his side. Not
behind, not ahead, but side by side. Wrapped in His arms, Him
leading each step. This is the sweetest place I have been.
I never imagined I could feel so at peace and joyful without worry in the midst
of such news. Maybe God was preparing me for worse news. There is definitely a
lot worse news to hear than this. I don’t know. I do know it is His desire to
prepare us, and if we are not prepared it is because we did not allow Him to
work in our lives. I know this all too well. I am so joyful because I was
actually not getting ahead of God. Finally! I do not know how to put this into
words. He gave me this test, and it was the greatest gift I have received from
Him as a believer. Prior to this, I had often wondered, do I really believe what
I am saying. Well, today He showed me that I do, and encouraged me to keep staying
right in His arms, right in His will, right in His timing, and right by His
side. I was making spiritual progress. Yippeeeeeee!!!!! Hallelujah!!!!! I
needed this!
He
confirmed that the prayer I prayed on Tuesday was truly what was in my heart. In
this particular situation, the pull of the flesh was so much smaller and
distant than it had been. I would have to go against my actually feelings to
throw a pity party. I am actually feeling overwhelming joy and peace. I have
Someone Who knows all things taking care of my fertility. I have been
struggling with this for 3 years, well really my whole life, but I wasn’t aware
until 3 years ago. It has been a continual battle of quieting the flesh so the
Holy Spirit can speak louder. It took this long to actually break the habit,
and to make my natural inclination to trust in God’s plan. I know I will fail
and fall down millions of more times. There are so many more areas I need to
learn this in, but today I am rejoicing in this because I have rid some of the
deep seated roots of control in my heart. I hope I never let them return. I am
not telling you this because I did something great. I should have had this long
ago. It took so long to get here because of the bad habits I had formed for so
many years.
Oddly
as it may sound, I felt better today than I have felt in the last 3 weeks of
this IVF cycle. I felt lighter and freer. A cloud had been lifted. I felt like
singing. It sounds so weird. I could not even think about the bad news I was
just so grateful that I was actually trusting with my heart and with my
actions. Trusting the Lord’s perfect plan. I cannot wait to see what He has
planned next. I know there will be more hard times, but I also know that my God
is faithful. He will get me through any storm. The joy and peace in the trial
is a free gift He has readily available for all of His children. The process is
not always easy, but so worth it. He can help you. He is big enough. When you
truly believe this it is liberating!!!
I
had already been praying for quite some time that I wanted God to use this
trial however He sees fit, bring Him glory over bringing me a baby. This is a
scary prayer in the beginning, because I really want a baby. I can’t fool God.
Today, He wanted to see if I really meant it. Today, the Lord wanted me to feel
triumphant. Not about my eggs, something so much bigger than eggs; about a
closer walk with Him. Turning old habits into something that reflects Christ,
through Him and by Him alone. I was so grateful that he tugged on my heart 3
years ago, and I finally waived the white flag and surrendered to His will. It
took this long to prepare me for this news today. He didn’t just prepare me to
barely handle it, but to handle it with great joy and peace and closeness with
Jesus!
I
tell you this not to reflect myself in anyway. I didn’t do any of this. My
disgusting flesh fought it every step of the way. I tell you because if you are
a believer, this is a free gift. All that you have to do is access it! I felt
so humbled that our great big God loved me so much that He was so patient. I
also felt pure joy because the voice of my flesh was so much quieter and so
much more distant. It had become easier to choose joy in this area. I have a
lot of other areas. But, I am just focusing on this victory today! I was
totally amazed! The key in this for me was not just surrendering to His will,
but learning to not get ahead of God. It was like a breakthrough. I know there
will be other things and other situations where I will fall back to old habits,
but I will never forget today. It was a spiritual battle I had won. It would
serve as a great reminder and encourager in the trials to come. I have actually
never felt this level of joy and peace before. You gotta get some of it!
I
waited to tell Rocky until he came home from work. When I began to tell him the
news, he had the same confused look that Jenn had on her face earlier today.
I’m smiling and he is confused. I told him the whole story. He said, I think I
am sadder than you are, and that would definitely be a first. He was also
shocked that I looked so chipper (Rocky’s words). He probably really thinking,
where is my wife, and who are you? LOL He said, you look happier today than you
have in the past couple weeks. I am. We had a great night just enjoying
today.
Day
8:
I woke up this morning singing to my cat Feaupawx, Rejoice in the Lord Always. So crazy! And I think my cat thought I
was crazy too! My mom used to always sing this song and it would annoy
the daylights out of me, but not today.
I
repeated my normal medication routine. As of today, I have given myself 38
injections.
“Rejoice
always; pray without ceasing; in everything give thanks; for this
is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” I Thessalonians 5:16-17. “Rejoice
in the Lord always; again I say, rejoice! Let you gentle spirit be known to all
men. The Lord is near. Be anxious for nothing, but in everything
with Thanksgiving let your requests be known to God. And the peace of God,
which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and
your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:4-7
I
finally got the meaning of these verses that I have been repeating to myself
for 3 years. I had known them in my mind, but my heart still could not rejoice
completely in all things. It might rejoice later, or it rejoice only a little
bit, but not completely and definitely not always. I didn’t even understand how
it was possible to give total thanks in everything, much less always. I do
today. Today, I know the peace of God that surpasses anything I could ever
imagine. His Word is so true! He is guarding my heart and my mind like precious
jewels. WOW!
I
have another US/lab tomorrow. We will see.
